Dragon Writing Prompts

Though the Weekly World News is no more, here’s the headlines from the archives of City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top 10 Tabloid Headlines from MAY 1998

1. DOG SWALLOWS SHEEP — SUN
2. Porcupine falls head over heels in love — with a broom! — WWN
3. One-armed man fights off monkey with fake limb! — WWN
4. WERERABBITS ARE MORE DANGEROUS THAN WEREWOLVES! — WWN
5. IRAQI TEENS GETTING HIGH ON ANTHRAX GERMS! — WWN
6. Elvis fan has the King’s JOCK STRAP! — WWN
7. Used-car salesman is buried in fireproof suit — so he won’t burn in HELL! — WWN
8. Police find dead woman in giant ball of string! — WWN
9. BIZARRE DISEASE TURNS PEOPLE INTO HUMAN SNAKES! — WWN
10. Wonder drug makes people bulletproof! — WWN

April is National Play with Words Month!

Actually it’s National Poetry Month but to keep the prompts relatively short and encourage people who cringe at the word poetry, it’s a whole lot more about playing with words.

Last year I introduced Kenneth Koch’s poetry warm up exercises. (You can see them all here by clicking on Poetry Warm Ups over on the right.) They’re a way of playing with words to get stuff flowing :-)

No actual poetry will be produced, though you may come up with an intriguing line that leads to a poem or a story.

For today, use the structure of the first tabloid headline and generate similar lines of the form:

Food — Noun — -ed verb

Cucumber Killer Captured
Bean Bomber Bamboozled
Anchovy Anarchist Annihilated

Top 10 Tabloid Headlines from APRIL 1998

1. CUCUMBER KILLER CAPTURED! — WWN
2. BEN FRANKLIN SHOCKER!He was a Founding Father, a signer of the Declaration of Independence — AND A SERIAL KILLER! — WWN
3. Teens ordered to clean toilets after peeing on theater seats! — WWN
4. 10 GIRAFFES HAVE HEADS TORN OFF — when zoo truck passes under low bridge — WWN
5. Kitten drowned by a giant goldfish! Cat dips paw in tank & fish pulls him in! — WWN
6. Exploding grapefruits kill hundreds in Argentina! — WWN
7. DEAD HUBBY BURIED WITH WINNING LOTTO TICKET IN HIS POCKET Anxious wife digs up 103 corpses looking for him! — WWN
8. FARMER DEVELOPS THE ELVIS CHICKEN! New birds sport slick hairdos & swivel their hips when they walk! — WWN
9. Gun-totin’ Texan shoots baby kitten. . . THEN CLAIMS SELF-DEFENSE! — WWN
10. VENGEFUL OLDSTER SUES DAUGHTER FOR DEAD WIFE’S ASHES . . . SO HE CAN FLUSH THEM DOWN THE TOILET! — WWN

Though the Weekly World News is no more, here’s the headlines from the archives of City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top 10 Tabloid Headlines from MARCH 1998

1. TORCHED BY AN ANGEL! — WWN
2. GERBIL JUGGLER BRINGS PARTY KIDS TO TEARS — SUN
3. NOW it can be told . . .  Liberace was a rough & tough he-man who spied for the CIA! — WWN
4. Did Castro replace Pope with a Communist double? — WWN
5. SCIENTISTS TO CLONE NEANDERTHAL MAN — FROM 30,000-YEAR-OLD DOO-DOO — WWN
6. GIRL GETS PIG’S ARM — BECOMES BOWLING CHAMP! — SUN
7. 3 out of 5 Americans are reincarnated in Brazil — WWN
8. Prisoner escapes & mails handcuffs back to cops — WWN
9. Medical students expelled — for throwing human brains at each other! — WWN
10. Cursed rocks scare tourists — SUN

Though the Weekly World News is no more, here’s the headlines from the archives of City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from FEBRUARY 1998

1. INVASION OF THE CRAWFISH! — WWN
2. Gal with 36-inch-long fingernails kills herself — WHILE PICKING HER NOSE! — WWN
3. It’s official: Breaking wind can kill! — WWN
4. Getting your teeth cleaned can KILL you! — WWN
5. Man dies after eating 24 mouse heads! — WWN
6. ADS ON TOMBSTONES CUT BURIAL COSTS IN HALF! — WWN
7. DOG GOES CYBER CRAZY! ‘Too smart’ pooch turns into Internet $hopaholic — SUN
8. Bible expert’s shocking claim . . .  SATAN IS GAY! — WWN
9. IS SATAN REALLY A WOMAN? — WWN
10. JESUS vs. SATAN: Who should be on the $1 bill? — WWN

They’re back! While the Weekly World News is no more* :-( (though it is still on line), the City Newstand list goes back to 1998 so I’ll post from the beginning until they run out.

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from JANUARY 1998

1. BELIEVE IT OR NOT . . . CONDOMS FOR DOGS! — WWN
2. WARNING: Someone may be snorting your grandmother!  Teens sniffing human ashes to get high! — WWN
3. Americans have the smartest dogs in the world! — WWN
4. TALKING PARROT FINGERS HIT MAN — SUN
5. COLLIE BIT MAN’S TESTICLES OFF — TWO WEEKS AFTER HE HAD THE DOG NEUTERED — WWN
6. Doctor vows to clone Elvis from a mole removed in 1961! — WWN
7. Werewolf sues boss for time off during full moon! — WWN
8. BEWARE! Squirrel brains can kill you! — WWN
9. MIRACLE CABBAGE CURES THE SICK! — WWN
10. WIFE USED HUBBY’S TOOTHBRUSH — TO CLEAN THE COMMODE! — WWN

* Ah, but there have been sightings! According to the City Newsstand:

From the December 2007 MAGBAG:

MORE NEW ISSUES OF THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS?

— Special to the MAGBAG

More unconfirmed reports of new issues of the defunct Weekly World News have proliferated in recent weeks. A housewife claims she saw a Nov. 16 issue on sale at a Wawa in Egg Harbor, NJ and an Elvis impersonator swears he saw a Nov. 2 issue at a Terrible’s in Henderson, Nevada.

The Egg Harbor copy was said to have contained the stories, ‘SANTA’S ELVES REALLY SLAVES FROM THE PLANET MARS!’, ‘UFO ALIEN NO LONGER VISITS BUSH… nor admits to ever having done so’ and , ‘PACK OF WILD COCKER SPANIELS TERRORIZES WYOMING!’, while the Elvis impersonator could only remember one headline from the edition he saw: ‘Elvis is
Alive and Pretending to be an Elvis Impersonator in Henderson, Nevada!’

Subsequent trips to both stores found empty racks where the new issues had been said to be.

First of the month and here’s the Top 10 Tabloid Headlines from September 2005 since the City Newstand list is on hiatus.

From the City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from September 2005

1. MAN-HORSES THREATEN THE WORLD! — WWN
2. Bush thrilled to be reading at 6th grade level AND IT’S ABOUT TIME! — WWN
3. ORIGIN OF APATHY DISCOVERED, BUT NOBODY CARES! — WWN
4. CHICKENS EAT FARMER — WWN
5. Leprechaun ejected by casino — HE’S TOO LUCKY! — WWN
6. BOMB-SNIFFING ELEPHANTS STOMP OUT TROUBLE — WWN
7. NIGHT WATCHMAN SUES OVER WORKING NIGHTS! — WWN
8. LOUD ROCK SHOW MAKES TEEN’S HEAD EXPLODE! — WWN
9. RHODE ISLAND TO BAN BABY-TALK TO DOGS! — WWN
10. CUBS BOOST WORLD SERIES HOPES WITH . . . HOLY WATER! — SUN

First of the month and here’s the Top 10 Tabloid Headlines from August 2005 since the City Newstand list is on hiatus.

From the City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from August 2005

1. ALCOHOLIDAY! — SUN
2. SLEEPWALKING BURGLAR ORDERED TO STAY AWAKE 10 YEARS — WWN
3. MAN TAKES OUT RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST IMAGINARY FRIEND! — WWN
4. ALIENS MOON NASA SPACECRAFT! — WWN
5. POTATOES DEVELOP INTELLIGENCE — WWN
6. MISSISSIPPI TOWN REPEALS SCIENCE! — WWN
7. RACE OF SCARECROWS LIVING IN KANSAS! — WWN
8. POLICE ARTISTS ON STRIKE All suspects look like stick figures — WWN
9. SCIENTIST CLONES HUSBAND — then marries the younger version! — WWN
10. GENEROUS KIDS SHIP THEIR UNEATEN PEAS TO STARVING CHILDREN IN APPALACHIA — WWN

First of the month and here’s the Top 10 Tabloid Headlines from July 2005 since the City Newstand list is on hiatus.

From the City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from JULY 2005

1. DEADLY WOODPECKERS TURN STREETS RED WITH BLOOD! — WWN
2. HONESTY FALLS TO THIRD AS ‘BEST POLICY’ — WWN
3. MAN CAN SEE ONE SECOND INTO FUTURE — WWN
4. Bricklayers entomb annoying co-worker — WWN
5. MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS — AND IT TURNS OUT SHE’S HIS MOTHER! — WWN
6. MEEK SUE TO INHERIT THE EARTH! — WWN
7. JACK THE RIPPER WAS MY GRANDMOTHER! — WWN
8. ONE-LEGGED MAN SUES STORE FOR MAKING HIM BUY A PAIR OF SHOES — WWN
9. I WAS ATTACKED BY MONGOLIAN DEATHWORM! — SUN
10. LITTLE GIRL ACTUALLY SINGS HER HEART OUT! — WWN

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from JUNE 2005 

1. SEEING EYE SQUIRRELS FOR DOGS! — WWN
2. RACE OF SNOWMEN FOUND — WWN
3. CIRCUS ELEPHANT GIVES BIRTH TO HUMAN BABY! — WWN
4. BUSH WANTS TO SELL HAWAII! — WWN
5. GOP UNVEILS LIBERAL-SNIFFING DOGS — WWN
6. SCIENTIST INVENTS ‘REVERSE LIGHTBULB’ THAT MAKES ROOM DARKER — WWN
7. STUDY FINDS MOST STUDIES ARE STUPID — WWN
8. MAN ELECTROCUTED BY LIGHTNING BUG — WWN
9. THIRD GENDER DISCOVERED IN OZARKS! — WWN
10. I WAS ATTACKED BY A 12-FOOT PYTHON — WHILE DRIVING 70 M.P.H. — SUN

From the City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from MAY 2005 (since the City Newstand list is on hiatus).

1. I’M GOING TO CLONE THE WORLD’S UGLIEST DOG! — SUN
2. COWARDLY MATADOR ONLY FIGHTS RABBITS — WWN
3. 6-LEGGED HORSE BANNED FROM RACING! — WWN
4. Maggots are good medicine — SUN
5. FRANCE’S NEW FOOD FAD: ESCARGOT SMOOTHIES — WWN
6. MAN ARRESTED FOR WEARING ZIPPER IN ‘NO FLY’ ZONE! — WWN
7. CHENEY ARRESTS MAN FOR MAKING HIM LAUGH — WWN
8. BUSH HIRES DUMB BLONDES . . . so he’ll look smart — WWN
9. SATAN HIRES PUBLICIST TO IMPROVE HIS IMAGE! — WWN
10. MAN INVENTS ROTARY CELL PHONE — WWN

Tabloid headlines from 2005 since the City Newstand list is on hiatus.

From the City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from APRIL 2005

1. CURSE OF THE ICE MAN! — SUN
2. PHANTOM OF THE IVORIES Liberace’s ghost haunts Vegas nightspot — SUN
3. GOD’S AUTOGRAPH SELLS FOR $500 MILLION — WWN
4. JILTED BRIDE ASKS FOR VOLUNTEER FROM AUDIENCE — WWN
5. GUY DIALS PHONE # ON TOILET WALL — & FINDS HIS MISSING MOM! — WWN
6. PRUNE JUICE MAKES YOU STUPID — WWN
7. VAMPIRE POODLES GO ON BLOODY RAMPAGE! — WWN
8. Something’s killing off our sea monsters — and scientists are baffled — SUN
9. GNOMES OF DEATH LURE DIVERS TO DROWNING HORROR — SUN
10. It’s like Oscar night for terrorists . . . WHO WILL WIN THE OSAMA? — WWN

Except, again, they’re really from 2005 since the City Newstand list is still on hiatus.

From the City Newstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from March 2005

1. Attack of the giant baby-biting RATS! — SUN
2. POPE GIVES OSAMA THE FINGER! — WWN
3. MAN-MADE TORNADOES ESCAPE FROM CIA LAB — WWN
4. ALIEN COOKBOOK FOUND . . . AND WE’RE THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN EVERY RECIPE! — WWN
5. PIZZA WAS SERVED AT THE LAST SUPPER . . . and the pies were delivered — WWN
6. MEET THE MOTHER OF ALL JUNK FOODS — FRIED CHOCOLATE! — WWN
7. SPANISH ARMADA WAS SUNK BY UFOs —WWN
8. FRENCHMAN JAILED FOR TAKING BATH — WWN
9. NEBRASKA DOESN’T EXIST, SAYS AUTHOR — WWN
10. Tough guy walks 2 miles with a bullet in his brain — SUN

Except they’re really from 2005 since apparently the City Newstand list is on hiatus. Fortunately, unlike newspaper news, tabloid news is practically timeless!

From the City Newsstand in Chicago, for writing prompts or just for fun :-)

Top Ten Tabloid Headlines from February 2005

1. AX MURDER GHOST! — SUN
2. OBNOXIOUS KIDS DRIVE GHOSTS FROM HAUNTED HOUSE — WWN
3. JESUS WAS A JAPANESE GARLIC FARMER! — SUN
4. BLOOD SUCKING DRACULA SQUIRRELS INVADE U.S. — WWN
5. SPACE ALIENS GIVE EARTH ULTIMATUM: FEED US YOUR GEEZERS OR ELSE! — WWN
6. BIN LADEN WANTS TO JOIN ZZ TOP! — WWN
7. RUMSFELD CLAIMS ABU GHRAIB PRISONERS WERE PLAYING ‘TWISTER’ — WWN
8. ANGRY BILL COLLECTORS say Bush won’t return their calls on the national debt — WWN
9. SCIENTIST FINDS WOMEN’S ASKING-FOR-DIRECTIONS GENE — WWN
10. FIREFIGHTER FIRED FOR FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE! — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

1. KIM JONG IL NUKES HIS OWN PALACE! — SUN
2. DOCTORS SUCCESSFULLY REMOVE BANJO FROM ALABAMA MAN’S KNEE! — WWN
3. Taco vendor turns tiny visitors’ abandoned spacecraft into an . . . ALIEN SOMBRERO! — WWN
4. OMAHA BIN LADEN Osama’s brother rides the range as a cowboy — WWN
5. Giant Mexican monster skull proves… OGOPOGO IS ALIVE! — SUN
6. Dust bunnies breed like rabbits — WWN
7. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY MAN CHARGED TRIPLE ROOM RATE! — WWN
8. Beer beats prostate cancer — SUN
9. WOMAN DELIVERS OWN BABY WHILE SKYDIVING! — WWN
10. ALIEN MUMMY GOES ON RAMPAGE! Trick-or-treaters terrorized by undead E.T. — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

1. FATAL FARTS! — WWN
2. GRANNY SCARES OFF ROBBERS BY PULLING A BIGGER KNIFE! — SUN
3. SATAN CAPTURED BY GIs IN IRAQ! — WWN
4. VAMPIRES ATTACK U.S. TROOPS Army of undead taking over mountains of Afghanistan! — WWN
5. VEGAN VAMPIRE ATTACKS TREES — WWN
6. Sherriff serves up a bowl of his own blood as bait to capture… VAMPIRE CAT! — WWN
7. Mystery of the floating coffin — SUN
8. SCIENTISTS END TERROR OF THE WALKING MUMMY! — SUN
9. AMERICA’S LATEST ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS — VAMPIRES — SUN
10. JUDGE WHO BARRED WITCHES FROM ADOPTING CHILDREN TURNED INTO GUINEA PIG! — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.) 

1. JACK THE RIPPER WAS A WOMAN! — SUN
2. STUDIO BUYS MOVIE SCRIPT FROM A CHIMP! — WWN
3. RESEARCHER CALCULATES A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL TO BE .000000000134% — WWN
4. Michael Jackson wants to live with leprechauns — SUN
5. MICROSCOPIC SPACE ALIENS INFESTING CARPETS — WWN
6. UFO ALIENS ABDUCTED MY CAT! Now frisky Felix is home safe — and has a gift of ESP, says amazed owner — SUN
7. BARBER BLEEDS RED & WHITE STRIPED BLOOD! — WWN
8. SPEND IT WHILE YOU CAN! U.S. currency accidentally printed with disappearing ink! — WWN
9. ASTRONOMER DISCOVERS PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF NOODLES — WWN
10. CREDIT CARD EXPLODES WHEN GAL GOES OVER LIMIT! — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.) 

1. SENSIBLE PUTTY! — WWN
2. BOOZE CAN MELT AWAY POUNDS — SUN
3. ‘NOSE HOSE’ WILL MAKE TISSUES OBSOLETE! — WWN 
4. EXPLORER LOCATES ORIGINAL ‘COMFORT ZONE’! — WWN
5. DA VINCI WAS A TIME TRAVELER! — SUN
6. WAR IN HEAVEN According to the Archangel Michael, female angels led by the powerful Hillaria have revolted . . . — WWN
7. Demons influencing presidential policy! — WWN
8. BOY TURNS BELOVED AUNT INTO ROBOT! — WWN
9. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, along come . . . NAVY ANTS! — WWN
10. BILLIONAIRE WILLS HIS FORTUNE TO IMAGINARY FRIEND — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.) 

1. WHAT CAR WOULD JESUS DRIVE? — SUN
2. The sixth sense is NOT ‘intuition’ — it’s a unique combination of smell & touch: SMUCH! — WWN
3. WORLD’S TINIEST EARTHQUAKE DESTROYS JUST ONE HOUSE! — WWN
4. MAN RUSHED TO EMERGENCY ROOM AFTER MONEY BURNS HOLE IN HIS POCKET! — WWN
5. Was Dubya’s granddad a grave robber? BUSH FAMILY STOLE GERONIMO’S SKULL! - says researcher — SUN
6. STAREOIDS! Growth hormones cause bodybuilder’s eyes to pop out of his head! — WWN
7. JUDGE FIRES BAILIFF FOR USING ‘MOBY DICK’ INSTEAD OF BIBLE TO SWEAR WITNESSES IN! — WWN
8. Shocking royal claim . . . CAMILLA IS A MAN! — SUN
9. BEACH PARTY TERROR! DEADLY MANFISH EMERGES FROM THE OCEAN TO ATTACK PARTYGOERS! — WWN
10. HOUSEWIFE EXPERIENCES HALF-RAPTURE . . . & gets stuck in the dining room ceiling! — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.) 

1. DEATH BY GOLDFISH — WWN
2. SENIOR COUGHS UP EMBEDDED NAIL AFTER 35 YEARS — SUN
3. TV SWELLS BRAINS! — WWN
4. Researcher finds more than 100 businesses that are like show business! — WWN
5. REDNECKS SHOOT DOWN SAUCER! PAYBACK! BOG HOLLOW STYLE — WWN
6. ALIENS RAISE THE DEAD! CORPSE CORPS DRAFTED FROM BEYOND TO ATTACK HUMANS! — WWN
7. MARRIAGE IS A CROCK! — SUN
8. Catholic school sisters trade in their wooden rulers for the ultimate disciplinary tool . . . NUN CHUCKS! — WWN
9. RESEARCHER DETERMINES DEER AND ANTELOPE NEVER PLAYED TOGETHER! — WWN
10. SCIENTIST PROVES… EARTH IS GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE! Global warming is Earth’s hot flashes! — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.) 

1. AIRPORT HAUNTED BY DEAD HARE KRISHNAS! — WWN
2. TOBOGGAN TABBIES Cats drag lost geologist to safety — WWN
3. LEGLESS MOUNTAIN CLIMBER TO SCALE MT. EVEREST — SUN
4. INNOVATIVE REAL ESTATE COMPANY OFFERS NEW LEASE ON LIFE! — WWN
5. New religion proclaims: God is a flying spaghetti monster! — SUN
6. Housewife knits sweaters with lint from her clothes dryer! — WWN
7. Edgar Allan Poe foresaw 9/11 Govt. probes claim famous Raven is Osama Bin Laden! — SUN
8. POLTERKITE TERRORIZES CENTRAL PARK LIKE A BLOOD-RED BIRD OF PREY — WWN
9. BIGFOOT VS. ALIENS! HAIRY HERO DEFENDS HOME TURF AGAINST SPACE INVADERS! — WWN
10. ALIEN ZOO ANIMALS LOOSE ON EARTH! Saucer crash sets bizarre creatures free! — WWN

Serendipitously I ordered several poetry books last month from the library to work some poetic prompts in beginning in April. Turns out April is National Poetry Month and I didn’t know it.

Try your hand at “tabloid poetry”. Some suggestions are:

1. Look for headlines that have a theme: space aliens, Elvis, animals, etc. (If you need more headlines than the 10 in the April list down below, check at The City Newsstand where they go back to 1998.)

   Print out your favorites, cut them up and shuffle them around into groups that seem to go together. Try grouping them in 3s and then write a 4th line that comments or expands on the 3 previous. If you’re using just this month’s headlines, create 3 groups of 3 lines, add a 4th line to each group then, if you can, use the 10th headline as part of a two line summary.

   It doesn’t need to rhyme!

   Don’t be afraid to change the titles a bit to make them flow better.

2. Take some of the shorter lines and turn them into rhyming couplets:

   “Elvis Sighted in Wax Museum” could turn into:
   

   Just as I visited his mausoleum
   Elvis was sighted in a wax museum.

   That was inspired (as well as dictated) by RhymeZone’s revelation that there were very few words that rhyme with museum!

   Don’t be afraid to throw in some extra words or take some out in order to give it a better or different rhythm.

   “Shaquille O’Neal’s Parents Are Pygmies” actually has sort of the rhythm of a limerick if I’m getting my stress syllables right:
   

   Shaquille O’Neal’s Parents were Pygmies.
   They stuffed their small son with big berries.
   He grew really tall,
   While they remained small.
   Now Shaq’s parents are as tall as his pinkies.

   Not bad! There’s something off in the rhythm of the second line so it could use some work. (And according to RhymeZone pygmies doesn’t have any “perfect rhymes”, that is, nothing rhymes with “mies” only with “ies”.)

1. NUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. CHAPEL — WWN
2. LAWYER SHEDS HIS SKIN — THREE TIMES A YEAR! — WWN
3. SLEEP EXPERT CAN DESCRIBE A PERSON PERFECTLY JUST BY HEARING THEM SNORE! — WWN
4. ALIENS TRAVEL TO EARTH FOR CHINESE TAKEOUT! — WWN
5. BIOLOGIST BREEDS SNAIL WITH CHEETAH TO CREATE WORLD’S FASTEST SNAIL — THE ‘SNEETAH’! — WWN
6. GOOD OLD BOY TRANSLATES BIBLE INTO REDNECK — so us’n can understan’ what the Good Lord wanted us to lern! — WWN
7. IT’S TRUE — AUTOPSY PROVES IT! ADOLF HITLER WAS A WOMAN! — WWN
8. Hail to the wackos: HALF OF U.S. PRESIDENTS WERE MENTALLY ILL — SUN
9. HUMANS TURNING BACK INTO APES! Sports fanatics & politicians most susceptible! — WWN
10. PROM KING AND QUEEN SEEK U.N. RECOGNITION OF THEIR OWN COUNTRY…PROMVANIA! — WWN

Above all have fun while you play with words!

(The list of top 10 tabloid headlines was, as usual, compiled by The City Newsstand, a newsstand in Chicago. (The lists there go back to Jan 1998.) (It says they’re mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.) 

1. HUNGRY, HUNGRY SPACE RATS! — WWN
2. TIME-TRAVEL DOG FROM FUTURE HELD CAPTIVE! — WWN
3. SIBERIA IS MELTING — SUN
4. WORLD’S FATTEST BIGFOOT SHOCKS SCIENTISTS — WWN
5. POTTY LARCENY — SUN
6. CONVENIENCE STORE FINED FOR BEING INCONVENIENT — WWN
7. BENGALI MAN LIVES IN HOUSE MADE OF PEOPLE! — WWN
8. MAN BITES THE BULLET & HIS HEAD EXPLODES! — WWN
9. FED-UP COUPLE SELLS HOME . . . WITH HER PARENTS IN IT — WWN
10. 500,000 FLAWED DICTIONARIES DESTROYED — because ‘cleanliness’ is next to ‘godliness’! — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

February 2006

1. REVENGE OF THE KILLER CACTI — SUN
2. Germany invaded — by Nazi raccoons! — SUN
3. MUTE DRIVER HONKS OUT A ROAD RAGE IN MORSE CODE — WWN
4. ELVIS WAX FIGURE CRIES REAL TEARS — WWN
5. ZEBRA BORN WITH HORIZONTAL STRIPES — WWN
6. Priest called in to exorcise school ’spirit’ — WWN
7. URBAN PLANNING NIGHTMARE: Self-building strip malls invade U.S. — WWN
8. FIRED ARCHITECT BURNS HIS BRIDGES— WWN
9. DRUNKS FALL OFF ROOF AFTER BARTENDER DECLARES DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE! — WWN
10. Man with large fuzzy slippers creates enough electricity to heat his house — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

Choose one as a writing prompt.

JANUARY 2006

1. DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES — WWN
2. BRAVE MARINE GIVES UP FINGER TO SAVE WEDDING RING! — SUN
3. LASER-CONTROLLED INSECTS COULD BE NEW TERRORIST WEAPON — SUN 
4. PREHISTORIC SNOWMAN FOUND! — WWN
5. COUPLES’ ROUTINE WAS TO DIE FOR Tango dancer doesn’t let partner’s death keep them from finishing competition! — WWN
6. COUCH POTATOES ARE SMARTER! — SUN
7. TOWN SAVES MONEY BY BURYING LOVED ONES IN QUICKSAND — WWN
8. MAN DIES TAKING BULL BY HORNS! — WWN
9. Cat found with hoard of over 200 TONGUES! — WWN
10. THE WAY TO A MAN’S HEART IS NOT THROUGH HIS STOMACH! SURGEON’S LICENSE REVOKED — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

Choose one as a writing prompt.

DECEMBER 2005

1. GNOMES OF DEATH — SUN
2. MAN REINCARNATED AS HIMSELF! — WWN
3. CAVE PAINTINGS REVEAL EXISTENCE OF PREHISTORIC INSURANCE SALESMAN! — WWN
4. ATTACK OF THE FLYING PLANTS! — WWN
5. CONGRESS PREPARES TO REPEAL THE LAW OF GRAVITY — WWN
6. Are you offended by naked animals? Then welcome to the . . . CIRCUS OF THE PRUDES — WWN
7. MAN HITS SNOOZE 892 TIMES—and strolls into work 5? days late! — WWN
8. SURVEY REVEALS BEST THINGS IN LIFE COST AT LEAST $5,000 — WWN
9. MAN POSES AS CPR DUMMY FOR WOMEN’S TRAINING CLASS — WWN
10. GRAVY TRAIN DERAILS — WWN

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

Choose one as a writing prompt.

NOVEMBER 2005

1. Toads explode in ‘Pond of Death’ — SUN
2. EVIL LIFE-FORMS OOZE FROM VIDEO ARCADE AS . . . DEMONIC ELECTRO-PLASM SLIME TERRORIZES TOWN! — WWN
3. SODA JERK LIVES UP TO NAME — WWN
4. TORNADO HELPS FAMILY MOVE — WWN
5. BELCHING SWORD-SWALLOWER ACCIDENTALLY IMPALES AUDIENCE MEMBER — WWN
6. BARBARA BUSH TO JOIN ‘DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ — WWN
7. U.S. ARMY TO DRAFT SCHOOL CROSSING GUARDS TO MAKE ITS QUOTA! — WWN
8. Astronomer spots Elvis-shaped constellation! — WWN
9. DROMEDARY OF THE DEEP Undersea camels discovered! — WWN
10. PRISONER CHOKES TO DEATH ON LAST MEAL! — WWN

I was going to suggest you embarrass yourselves by buying one at the supermarket, but The Weekly World News is online now.

:::whew!:::

The print version is still more fun but you can now get stories about 3 eyed aliens living among us displayed right on your computer.

You can read some of the articles in the print version or at the website to get a feel for the style.

Make up a headline or choose one of the following.

• My Ex-Wife’s Face Keeps Appearing On My Toast! …and she’s making my life crumby!
• Vampires Picket Blood Bank!
• Bush To Use Bigfoot G.I.s In Iraq!
• NASA Idiots Turn Mars Rovers Into Battlebots!
• Psychic Cat Makes Predictions In Kitty Litter!
• Noah’s Ark found on Mars!Moon will hit Earth in five years!
• CIA using cats as secret agents!
• Scientists mix dog and cat to create the Dat!
• Real reason for war in Iraq: Bush wanted to protect the Garden of Eden from Saddam!
• Dolphins are growing arms and legs”(”If they learn to walk and make weapons, they would become a formidable foe for all mankind” we are warned)!
• Librarian wants rating system for nursery rhymes!
• BLIND MAN REGAINS SIGHT AND DUMPS UGLY WIFE!
• Visiting space alien endorses candidate for president!
• Bat Child Found in Cave!
• Merman Caught in South Pacific!
• Millions of 3-eyed Mutants Living Among Us!
• Twelve Members of Congress Are Space Aliens!
• Ten Ways to Tell If Your Mail Carrier is an E.T.
• Middle Earth being found in the swamps of New Jersey!

BTW, you can submit headlines for photos at the Weekly World News’s “Guess the Headlines” feature. There are previous winners there too. (Note, some do have sexual references.)

From The City Newsstand’s (a newsstand/bookstore in Chicago) monthly MAGBAG — Top 10 Tabloid Headlines. (Mostly from Weekly World News (WWN) and the SUN.)

Choose one as a writing prompt.

OCTOBER 2005 

1. MALEVOLENT MAN-WORM! — WWN
2. EXORCISM CURES MONSTROUS ZIT! — WWN
3. MAN’S PAJAMAS ARE HAUNTED! — WWN
4. DRUNK GHOST RUINS OWN FUNERAL — WWN
5. DI, DI MY DARLING PRINCESS’ GHOST HAS CHARLES AND CAMILLA SPOOKED! — WWN
6. CSI USES PUMPKIN FACE TO ID REMAINS OF MOB VICTIM BURIED IN FIELD! — WWN
7. EINSTEIN’S BRAIN COMES TO LIFE—AND GOES ON RAMPAGE! — WWN
8. HOBOO! High cost of real estate forces ghost onto the streets! — WWN
9. DWARF DRACULA· KNEE-HIGH ANKLE BITER TERRORIZING SEATTLE! — WWN
10. HOWLING BEAST TERRORIZES OHIO TOWN — SCIENTISTS MYSTIFIED BY BIZARRE CRIES — SUN