Dragon Writing Prompts

A plot ninja is a person, place, thing, idea that you drop into your plot when you get stuck. Started on the NaNoWriMo forums from the suggestion that every NaNo book should include a ninja jumping out of a wardrobe, they’ve expanded to be anything that pops into someone’s head.

These come from the Take a Prompt, Leave a Prompt folder at the forums.

Cut them up and put them in a bowl to draw out a random idea when you get stuck. If you’re not doing NaNoWriMo, pull out and idea and start writing. When you get stuck, pull out another.

• start your writing with a description of wet feet
• Dreams
• crumpled clothing
• a llama
• pink post-it notes
• three uneaten oranges..
• overhearing a conversation of a tourist and a local
• a pet curled up in a chair
• tumbleweed
• some moldy cheese
• a disgruntled landlord
• an antique quilt
• a picture of a gorgeous man
• an unusual locket
• an unusually detailed, oft-repeated doodle
• a Rubik’s cube
• Your MC gets a headache
• frosted strawberry pop tarts
• old ugly wallpaper on a grandparent’s bedroom wall
• a Halloween bucket full of candy wrappers, with one piece of candy still left at the bottom
• A water proof safe, Full of water, left in the middle of the desert
• a pair of gangly teenagers with braces, making out
• a mannequin
• a battered dart board
• a homemade birdhouse hanging from a street sign
• a one-eyed chicken
• a slimy slug trail
• Finding a stranger in your bathtub
• Getting caught in the rain
• A child with a pink ice cream
• The couple in the apartment next to you having an argument about a mysterious person called ‘Phil’
• the sound of a prom dress being thrown away
• A notorious thief finds a baby in a boat on the Thames
• An unopened love letter from twenty years ago
• A broken doll
• A handful of sugared violets
• An angel on a park bench
• And a duke box
• a soggy cardboard box that has sat out in the rain all night
• a perfectly round rock with an X drawn across it in crayon
• Three people from the same office thrown together under canvas for one night. It’s raining. There’s no booze. There’s only two sleeping bags
• one woman who sits next to you on the bus with her ipod turned so loud you can hear Christmas Carols, and it’s still November
• A motorcyclist zooming by, wearing a helmet cam and a microphone
• two people walking down the street wearing a horse costume
• a piece of broken, dusty yellow-orange glass
• a camera with everything intact except the film, which is melted
• a row of empty seats with one in the middle occupied. Then another person comes along and takes a seat right next to that person, instead of an empty one further down
• a book in a foreign language with the covers ripped off, found in a public place
• a necklace with the cord snapped, beads bouncing every which way on a tile floor
• A lone operator working by herself all night in a deserted building
• A homemade lasagna falling as the cook is knocked over by a large Rhodesian Ridgeback (breed of dog)
• One very expensive hairless cat (cannot remember the breed) being held for ransom
• 2 people dressed up for Halloween — one as Santa Claus, the other as the Easter Bunny
• A pet dog with a phobia of anything smaller than him!
• a chewed up pen in the parking lot (you decide whether it still works or not)
• a book in a foreign language with the covers ripped off, found in a public place
• a cell phone that fell into a toilet
• weapons, elements of battle
• The sound of sobbing coming from the attic
• someone finding out there is no water coming out of the tap on a given day (while they wanted to take a shower, for example)
• Several strands of hair stuck together with sticky tape
• Highlighters that have run out, but smell nice
• A cracked, glass statue
• a candy bar wrapper
• a broken timepiece
• a teddy bear with (detachable) bunny ears
• a puddle of water on the floor
• a penguin where it doesn’t belong (say, in a house)
• A painting of a snowboarder, with a dinosaur hidden within the background
• a goldfish swimming in the toilet
• A palm tree oasis in the middle of the desert
• an old Underwood typewriter with the ribbon stuck somewhere between black and red
• a three legged cat, (you decide how he lost his leg, or if we even know)
• a bloody razor blade found in a public restroom
• A smell which reminds your MC of their mother’s home cooking
• A dusty trilby lying abandoned on the pavement, and no one else around
• A frog that squeezes under a gap in the door when it’s raining
• A wallet filled with money in an empty car park
• a purse - shaped necklace that can open and close
• a lighted train rushing by at twilight
• a pizza delivery guy delivering a pre-paid pizza to the wrong address
• a pair of mismatched flip flops
• a set of four spoons, all bent out of shape
• a maroon moose that sings Christmas carols. (can be a stuffed moose, if you like)
• the landscape of Cocoa Puffs…go nuts
• the moon as a consolation prize
• a broken doll
• Mindscape
• A doll missing one of its limbs
• The dog barks at midnight
• A shoe impression was left in the tomato
• A platinum ring found in the bottom of a bargain bin in a music store
• three rusty lug-nuts
• an old gas lamppost
• a throbbing headache
• a thrift store shopping spree
• a dollar bill with writing on it
• pumpkin pie
• An ornate clock on a wall
• the futility of sweeping potato chips off the side of a mountain
• A paperclip lost in the septic tank
• a half-finished crossword left on the train, that must be returned
• a cold, clear mountain stream
• a Chinese pagoda
• a shovel stuck into a mound of dirt
• a mislabeled lollipop–it’s a flavor you don’t like or weren’t expecting
• a plastic green dinosaur whose head is a staple remover
• A pangolin
• A moderately rainy day
• A flamethrower
• Miniature Robots
• three old batteries and a change purse
• an unexpected strip of duct tape
• a strangely addictive song
• a purple permanent marker
• a barrel of monkeys
• a field full of talking flowers
• Three glow-in-the-dark Troll dolls
• Whenever I think of Paris, I think of..
• Fur-dyed poodles! (either pink or blue or green… I’ll leave that up to you)
• a forgotten sock
• watching TV from a safe position behind the sofa
• a Mysterious Stranger (abbreviated sometimes to AMS)
• a strange cloud formation
• the sound of a baby crying, or laughing
• a facial expression completely at odds with what a character is saying
• an extreme temperature change, you decide how or why
• a dead body, killed with that shovel (the traveling shovel of death)
• a case of identify theft
• the feeling you get when you are in the house on your own, and you could almost swear that there is someone behind you, and it gives you a weird burst of speed, and you run into the next room, slamming the door
  1,000 baby turtles gone missing
• An egg that cracks open and nothing is inside
• A horse named Albert with OCD
• A girl named Doug
• A one hundred on a test that you paid the teacher to get
• The smell of the keyboard
• Ten chickens that have no idea that they are chickens
• ginger beer
• a fight/action scene at a zoo
• the last leaf on a tree
• Dwarf tossing
• a rescued turtle
• a British phone booth found anywhere except the UK
• three gold star stickers
• a mallard duck
• A cape
• a pitcher of eggnog
• a pair of mismatched curtains
• an experience that fills the MC with both joy and fear
• a dozen cigarette ends floating in a wine glass
• a man wearing fingerless gloves
• a dead shark
• a house with peppermint-themed interior decor
• a villain who loves pie
• a broken computer on a doorstep
• a trophy tarnished with age
• a ceiling full of mold
• a cry for forgiveness
• twenty ancient unopened jars of apricot jam
• a blue stuffed elephant named Trunky
• your MC suddenly finds him/herself in possession of a prized racehorse
• A very wet dog on the couch
• A cozy fire on the hearth
• a Dixieland jazz band
• A funeral where everybody’s laughing and cheering about how the deceased will not be missed
• A black kitten named Matt
• a broken wine glass
• a repair bill
• a half empty Coca-Cola
• an old grandfather clock set to the wrong time
• the making of a salad
• a very old bloodhound
• hot peppermint tea with little mini biscotti from a boxful bought at Shoprite
• two blue ballet shoes and a claddagh ring (which have a relation to one another, a tied significance)
• a pair of fairy wings
• a stove timer that always adds five minutes onto the time inputted
• an unjust accusation
• the scent of freshly baked bread
• the taste of a lie
• a red haired girl with one blue and one green eye
• an ingrown toenail
• squirrels in the attic
• A flower pot getting thrown off a roof
• a dog kennel that washes up on shore
• a TV show involving robots
• a river without any fish
• a baby with colic
• the number 7
• a roaring fire
• a burning bush
• a dead rose in a vase
• a frozen pond with the ice broken in the center
• An impromptu dancing lesson
• A parakeet that can only say, “Schpedoinkle!”
• A single glove found lying on the sidewalk
• A car catching on fire
• a white tank top
• ceramic dwarves
• blue highlighted hair
• a nightgown in a washing machine
• a cat sitting on feet
• the ending of a video game
• multi-hue eyed girl!
• an illicit affair
• A horse named Albert
• A purple spotted toad
• A grandmother who thinks that she is a fish
• needing badly to go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting
• a plastic carnation painted green with nail polish
• A red wedding dress
• Afternoon nap when it’s raining outside
• A purse filled with brown leaves
• Tangles headphone cables
• The salt cap falling off while salting a dish, and all the salt falling in
• A train ride
• Getting pizza for the mixed herb packets
• Playing cards all night
• another character’s perspective
• voices in the attic
• “I can’t sit still.”
• an over-enthusiastic nude photographer
• a pair of papier mâché clawed hands
• a midnight snowfall
• a selection of brightly coloured boxes in an empty room/house
• a light-up, plug-in, green gnome
• a well-preserved dinosaur skeleton
• a missing iguana
• gypsy dancing bears
• your character’s reaction to running over something on the road
• someone wearing mismatched socks
• a niggling memory that you can ALMOST remember, but not quite
• “Of course I’m fine. I’m more than fine. Who wouldn’t be with someone like you landing on me??”
• a messed up judicial system causing an arrest and detainment in jail
• fine, realistic costume jewelry
• a rickety, creaking white gate that gives someone away
• a spy who catches a bad cold at just the wrong time
• A hair ribbon flying with the wind
• a nearly-empty jar of peanut butter
• No two snowflakes are alike
• the lifetime of a $5 bill
• A toad under a rock
• a fake potted plant
• a vast array of staples
• an umbrella left in the park on a sunny day
• a strange light in the sky
• a sudden burst of laughter
• a knife with a dull, nicked blade
• Mug shot, toe tag and broken bridge
• blowing up an air mattress with a hair dryer
• a car stuck in mud
• A cat lying in the sunlight
• Odd eyes
• An unpainted dollhouse
• The last book in a series
• A dusty globe of Saturn
• The sound of thinking
• a consistent beeping noise
• a nightmare about a horse
• an earthquake
• celebration of a feast
• performing a ritual
• MC must taste chocolate, cacao, or similar substance
• a music box that won’t open
• glass figurines
• a plastic lizard
• purple nail polish

Like the Fantasy Novelists Exam and Grand list of overused science fiction clichés and The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches here is:

The Not-So-Grand List of Overused Fantasy Clichés
by Teresa Dietzinger (and contributors)

“Inspired by John Van Sickle’s Grand list of Overused Science Fiction Clichés, which is a writer’s guide to ideas and plot devices in Science Fiction which might have been a good idea at one point but, to quote Van Sickle, “have become hackneyed from overuse by the unimaginative,” unquote. I have sought to create a similar list for ideas and plot devices pertaining specifically to the Fantasy genre, (although I have decided I will not rate the cliches or try to categorize them. Suffice to say, this is simply a list of characterizations, ideas, and plot elements which have a tendency to crop up in Fantasy Fiction on a continual basis.)”

Overused Settings and Storylines

1. THE Fantasy Cliché - Hero starts off as a farm boy/servant/shepherd etc., has his family killed (which turns out not to be his actual family), and, through a process of self-realization and learning, becomes the all-powerful prophesied hero.
2. A brave hero steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
3. A brave hero steals from the rich and keeps it for himself.
4. A brave hero incites a slave revolt just by defeating an opponent or opponents in a feat of gladiatorial combat.
5. A brave hero incites a revolution by foiling a single well-attended public execution.
6. The old sage helping the hero develop his skills so he can defeat the bad guys:
   • is killed by the bad guys before the hero’s eyes, thus inciting the hero to try even harder to defeat them.
     OR
   • turns out to be an an even worse bad guy who is only using the hero as a pawn against his rivals (and who plans to get rid of the hero once he’s served his purpose of defeating said rivals.)
7. A band of heroes travels to various and sundry distant lands searching for the pieces to a key or to a device which will help them defeat the bad guys. After months of continuous trials and tribulations, they finally succeed in finding it and assembling it together, only to have it stolen from them by the bad guys who were smart enough to sit on their arses and wait for the heroes to do all the hard work for them. (Suckers!)
8. A hero/heroine is called upon to take the place of a recently kidnapped member of royalty to whom they bear a conveniently uncanny resemblance.
   (Corollary: No matter how different the impostor might be in terms of background and personality, he/she will have no trouble impersonating the member of royalty. For some reason, their resemblance will be even MORE uncanny if the person they’re impersonating is of the opposite gender. (This is known as The Makoto Effect).
9. A pantheon of gods gets together and decides to play “chess” (or Risk, or Monopoly or whatever) with human beings as tokens.
10. It has been prophesied that a certain baby born with a certain birthmark is destined to destroy the villain when it grows up. Said baby is then whisked away to the forest to safety where it is raised to strapping young adulthood by:
    • wolves
    • little folk
    • fairies
    • a curmudgeonly, yet endearing old hermit.
      OR
    • the baby is placed in a basket and sent floating down a river where it’s found and raised to strapping young adulthood by:
    • a female member of the villain’s family
    • a kindly, old, childless peasant couple
11. The hero’s best friend is a member of the alien/magical race currently oppressing humanity, thereby making him and his friend the target of racism and prejudice.
12. An immortal being falls in love with a mortal and elects to give up his/her immortality so the two of them can live together.
13. The story takes place in an advanced society where spaceships and high technology reign, but where people inexplicably dress in costume from ancient eras (Roman togas, medieval gowns and armor, 18th century coats and cravats, etc.)
14. A fortuneteller:
    • tells the hero that something awful will happen, and sometimes, even how to prevent it, but the hero disregards the advice,
    • a decision he later comes to regret.
    • tells the hero that something awful will happen and despite the elaborate steps the hero takes to prevent this awful thing from happening, it happens anyway.
    • will give the hero a prophecy that’s deliberately vague and convoluted, knowing full well that it will cause him to follow a certain course of action (which the fortuneteller secretly wants him to pursue.)
15. A marriage is arranged between a prince and a princess, for political purposes. Both the prince and princess refuse the match but are later sent on a journey/adventure together, during the course of which they fall in love and eventually come to wonder how they could ever have refused the marriage in the first place.
16. The plot revolves around the fact that the villain is after a certain piece of jewelry that the hero owns. (Usually some kind of pendant that possesses some magical power.)
17. An individual from the 20th century, (a Connecticut Yankee, an Astronaut, an Annoyingly Cute Kid from the Cosby Show) travels back in time to King Arthur’s Court where he/she finds everyone able to speak perfectly intelligible English and where he/she is able to wow the locals by:
    • performing music that is contemporary to the date the movie/TV show was made
      OR
    • by showing off high-tech 20th century doodads like safety pins, firearms, skateboards, and snacks.
18. A hero/heroine visits a museum or an archeological dig where they get bonked on the head and find themselves waking up in the past. While there, the hero/heroine experiences a grand adventure, at the end of which, they get bonked on the head again. When they wake up this time, they find themselves back home in the future, with the impression in their mind that their grand adventure was all a dream. HOWEVER (in a farm-fresh, Rod Serling-esque plot twist), they soon stumble upon something at the museum/archeological dig (a scene from an ancient cave painting featuring their portrait, or a suit of armor with a bullet hole in it), which convinces them that maybe they weren’t dreaming after all.
19. Poor/low social class Hero falls madly in love with princess/high social class girl. Princess/high social class girl’s overly protective father finds out and attempts to kill hero but is:
    • swayed by the girl at the last possible moment
    • robbed of killing the hero by sheer chance
    • the girl gets in the way and he accidentally stabs her instead. (Oops!)
20. Girl is held captive by evil dragon who finds her entertaining, thus saving her from becoming crispy fried.
21. Hero finally gets a chance to beat arch-rival senseless, only to find that arch-rival has become insane/impoverished/lonely/dejected and generally not worth beating…
22. Evil Dragon turns good and befriends heroes, just in time for the “savior” of the heroes to come and kill it dead bug.
23. Talking magical object utterly bamboozles hero, in a world where talking magical objects are completely the norm.
24. Hero finds magical weapon, and is told never to use it, ever. Hero accidentally uses weapon when hero, trusty sidekick (probably either the tone deaf bard or the honorable thief), or lover is in mortal peril.
25. Hero sets off on a quest to find something or someone, only to find at the end he had it/them with him the whole time. (D’oh!)
26. Heroine falls in love with guy A, then out of love with guy A and into love with guy B. Guy B dies, Distraught Heroine marries guy A. Theme of unrequited/thwarted love.
27. Evil Emperor’s beautiful daughter falls in love with the hero.
28. Evil Emperor’s homely daughter feels compassion for his captives and sets them all free.
29. Hero/Heroine is trying to learn a new move/spell/secret at the beginning of film/episode, but has failed at every attempt. Somehow (be it the power of love, truth or the ol’ chestnut- faith in ones abilities) said Hero/Heroine manages to pull it off and defeat the creature/villain who could only be killed by that one move/spell/secret.
30. Evil doers with multi uber awesome powers always come unstuck when a newbie hero/heroine turns up with one super lame attack all powered by (you guessed it) LOVE! (Known as the Pretty Sammy effect.)

Overused Characterizations

1. The princess in the story is:
   • a damsel in distress who constantly needs rescuing.
   • a selfish snob who sees the error of her ways after mingling with the hero and the “common people” for a while.
   • a tomboy who prefers trousers to skirts and who constantly has to tell the hero she can take care of herself (even if it’s bloody well obvious she can’t).
2. A friar or clergyman is lecherous, has a potty mouth, or is in any other way notoriously worldly.
3. A bounty hunter/mercenary hired by the villains to dispatch the hero, turns out to be more interested in honor and/or the thrill of the fight than in the money.
4. A plucky street urchin who befriends the good guys is eventually discovered to be an agent (albeit perhaps, a reluctant one) for the bad guys.
5. The heroes encounter an all-female race which:
   • are Amazons or warriors, with no evidence of any agricultural activity within the community, means of commerce, construction, or craftspeople.
   • are young, big-hootered and beautiful. And, with the exception perhaps of a council of elders, there isn’t a single old, fat, or ugly amazon in the bunch.
   • are led by a queen or ruler who is in the prime of her life, strikingly beautiful, and who invariably falls head over heels in love with the hero.
6. A lute-toting bard who tags along with the heroes:
   • is useless as a fighter or as much of anything else.
   • promises to “sing great songs” about the heroes after their adventures have ended.
   • is almost completely lacking in any real musical talent whatsoever.
     AND
   • in rare cases, gets himself into trouble with a lady or with her family (”You spoony bard!”)
7. Creatures that are half-man/half-animal always look more animal than man. Creatures that are half-woman/half animal, always look more woman than animal and almost always wear little (or no) clothing and have extremely large breasts.
8. The evil wizard is played by either Jack Palance or Christopher Lee.
9. The hero has an American accent. The rest of the cast have English accents.
10. Blonde princesses are good, brunette/dark-haired princesses are evil.
11. Evil emperors:
    • crave wealth, money and power
    • dress in robes or armor, or a combination of both and tend to cover up every inch of their bodies even if the temperature is 98 degrees outside.
    • sometimes have an attraction to the heroine or to the hero’s girlfriend.
12. Evil empresses:
    • crave wealth, money and power
    • dress in leather, bikinis, or a combination of both, and tend to dress scantily even if the temperature is 20 degrees below zero outside.
    • ALWAYS have an attraction to the hero (and sometimes to the heroine or to the hero’s girlfriend.)
13. The best fighters are always men. The best healers/white magic users are always women. (I’ve seen many a console RPG guilty of this one.) #14
14. The sword the hero is carrying has a blade made of pure light energy which goes VOOOM! whenever he swings it.
15. A villain who is particularly vain or pretty receives a scar or burn on his/her face, courtesy of the hero. Said villain then dons a mask (usually) and spends a good chunk of the rest of the story sulking in a dark place, plotting his/her revenge.
16. As a child, the hero:
    • trains hard to be a great warrior/mage/etc., though no one believes he/she can do it.
    • is destined to be a great warrior/mage/etc., and refuses to train because he/she finds it a waste of time.
17. The hero of the story is:
    • incredibly arrogant and cocky, but can never back it up.
    • a coward who does nothing until the very end, when he gets over his fear to do one thing that accomplishes his mission, eventually being declared a hero for that one deed.
    • a great warrior, except when he is drunk, (and he is almost always drunk).
18. A member of the group who is a child will be ignored and/or mistreated by the others, even if he/she is smarter than all the other group members combined.
19. The hero is always either a really gorgeous guy (enabling him to capture the hearts of all the girls) or an atrociously ugly guy (enabling him to capture the hearts of all the girls, albeit through pity, his inferiority complex, and the lack of love he’s received from everyone.)
20. Clergymen who are affiliated with any kind of established church appear noble and serene, but inside are actually pompous, hypocritical, or secretly in league with the forces of evil. (Japanese RPGs are ESPECIALLY guilty of this one.)
21. Clergymen who are NOT affiliated with any kind of established church and who are instead wandering monks and friars appear to be rude, hard-drinking, and worldly, but inside secretly have a heart of gold and are disposed to give help to the hero whenever he needs it (as well as be on hand to marry the hero to his sweetheart at the end of the movie/story.) #22
22. The larger and more titanic the size of the heroine’s breasts, the less likely they are to impede her ability to fight, run, flip backwards several times, etc.
23. The cool, anti-hero type vampire hunter with superhuman strength turns out to be (in another brilliantly original, Serling-esque plot twist) a vampire (or half-vampire) themselves.
24. A hero is boastful, claiming nobody is better than him. As a result more people who are able to defeat him show up in the story/series. (That’s what you get for tempting the fates).
25. If the character in the original book is female, a warrior, detests men with a passion, and a cold-hearted villainess, in the movie she’ll be a bratty little plot device who falls in love with every male she comes in contact with.
26. A Barbarian appears in the story.
    • If it’s female, it will dress in a skimpy, bust-enhancing, leather costume, carry around a big sword, and will frequently insist that the only man she’ll marry is one who can defeat her in a fair contest. Despite how tough she might be, she’ll scream like a schoolgirl every time she encounters a rat in a dungeon.
    • If it’s a male, it will dress in a leather thong and a headband (and not much else), carry around a big sword, and will, in most cases, sport a thick Austrian accent. Will have a tendency, when surprised or when rushing into battle, to shout epithets involving the names of extremely masculine-sounding gods. (”By CROM, I will defeat you!!!!”)
27. The comic relief is:
    • A cowardly yet amiable thief/pickpocket.
    • A cute (sometimes wise-cracking) animal who seems pretty annoying and useless except during those rare times when a situation calls for filching dungeon keys or for heroically sacrificing oneself in an attempt to distract the villain.
    • A tone-deaf bard. (see aforementioned comments concerning bards above).
    • A pair of lovable droids with clashing, Odd Couple-esque personalities.
    • Any animated character whose VA is Robin Williams, Dom DeLuise or Gilbert Gottfried.
    • An inept, out-of-shape, out-of-his-league, self-declared “hero” who tags along with the real heroes in the hopes of experiencing a grand adventure, (and who usually winds up instead being a pain in the ass, being eventually compromised by the villain, or just plain mucking up everyone’s plans.) In rare cases, his/her ineptitude will result in his/her performing an action which, through sheer luck, will result in causing a setback for the villain (oftentimes by causing his accidental destruction).
    • Usually completely unnecessary.
28. A dragon appears in the story. Said dragon is possessed of a sentient mind and the ability to converse in human languages fluently, (a seemingly meaningless talent for it to have, considering all the dragon wants to do with his life is to find an enormous hoard of treasure, plop his big, scaly ass down on top of it and sleep for all eternity, waking only to shoo away/eat the occasional armored knight, hobbit, or callow teen-aged hero which might come round to try and claim it).
29. Fairies (the 6 inch tall kind) are usually:
    • scantily dressed and female
    • cute beyond all reason,
    • extremely hot-tempered
    • jealously attracted to the Hero. (The fact that he’s 300 times bigger than she is and that the two of them have no hope of engaging in normal intimate relations does not appear to shake her resolve to love him one bit.)
30. Villains dress in dark or sinister colors such as black and blood red.
31. Wizards wear tall pointed hats and robes embroidered with moons and stars.
32. Any character you see within the story that has a western name either has it spelt differently or is a secondary character who bears no importance whatsoever. All other proper nouns (names and places) will be completely foreign and hard to pronounce.
33. Evil people always sound more evil and deadly with a British accent (unless it’s Dick Van Dyke)
34. Orphans become heroes.
35. Stepmothers are evil.
36. Villainous or dark characters are the way they are because of a tragic occurrence in their pasts.
37. The heroine/hero is always so beautiful that everyone falls in love with him/her.

Story Events and Plot Devices

1. A wedding takes place where the phrase “And if there’s anyone present who can see why these two shouldn’t be joined in marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace,” is followed by a scene in which nobody holds their peace. (Corollary: It is a Universal Rule of Fantasy that the hero and his buddies, when attempting to stop a wedding between the hero’s love interest and the villain, MUST choose the particular moment after that phrase is uttered, to launch their attack, even if waiting to do so puts them at a strategic disadvantage.)
2. The all-powerful wizard/seemingly unbeatable enemy turns out to be a mischievous child or a dinky old man behind a curtain.
3. The villain’s fortress starts to crumble around our heroes the moment he is defeated, leaving our heroes just barely enough time to escape before it collapses.
4. The overly friendly (or, in some cases, vaguely menacing) bishop or church official turns out to actually be at the head of the evil cult.
5. The hero runs into a competent swordswoman:
   • whose great skill with the sword is matched only by the great size of her hooters
     AND WHO
   • engages him in battle (at first)
   • sleeps with him (later on)
   • sacrifices her life for him (at the end)
6. Secondary characters who are killed in the first season of the TV series or movie are brought back to life in the sequel/next season for the flimsiest of reasons, because they were popular OR because the writers/producers of the show are too gutless to risk offending soccer moms by killing off sympathetic characters (and showing kids that, yes, sometimes evil actually wins.)
7. The hero and his girlfriend who, although looked like they were headed down the aisle at the end of the first movie or season of the TV series are inexplicably separated or estranged at the beginning of the sequel/next season.
8. One of the good guys falls in love with and becomes engaged to a character with no background and no previous presence in the storyline. Said character will invariably:
   • (if it’s a female) get kidnapped by the bad guys, forcing the good guys to rally around the groom and help him go save her.
   • turn out to be a spy or operative for the Bad Guys.
   • turn out to be a criminal or con-artist who wants to scam the heroes out of an important item or out of their pocket change.
     In any event, the mysterious fiance turns out to be a one-shot character who, at the end of the book/episode:
   • dies
   • gets thrown in prison
   • is discovered to be already married to somebody else.
   • decides they want to get to hitched to an old flame instead of to the good guy/gal she/he’s engaged to.
   • just plain up and leaves for no damn good reason.
9. A virgin, slated for sacrifice, is rendered unsuitable for sacrificial purposes thanks to a plot contrivance which conveniently places her and the hero alone in the same area just long enough for them to have an intimate encounter.
10. The villain turns out to be the hero’s long-lost father/ brother/ uncle’s cousin’s sister’s best friend’s former roommate, etc.
11. The hero inexplicably chooses to ride off into the sunset alone or with his buddies rather than stay behind with the hot princess he just rescued and help her rule her kingdom.
12. The hero(es) extricate themselves from a hopelessly tricky situation by simply cutting a rope holding a chandelier. (Making sure it’s the right rope first, of course, ala Robin Hood: Men in Tights.)
13. All it takes to defeat the villain is a good dousing with a bucket of cold water. (The Sci-Fi equivalent to this Fantasy plot device would be the all-powerful superweapon that’s about to destroy the world being disabled by simply pulling a plug from a wall outlet.)
14. The villain charges towards the hero, intending to strike him down while his back in turned, but is prevented from doing do by a weapon shot/thrown by the hero’s friend or ally, who just happened to conveniently arrive at that very moment.
15. A princess rescues the hero from jail by:
    • drugging the guard(s) drinks.
    • pretending to trip and exposing her shapely legs, thereby distracting the guard(s) long enough for the hero to reach out from between the bars of his cell and klonk him/them unconscious.
16. An executioner or a priest performing a human sacrifice is stopped from doing his job at the last second by a hero who manages to pull off a one-in-a-million, defies-all-known-laws-of-reason-and-physics shot with a ranged weapon.
17. A catapult successfully shoots a hero over the castle battlements where he lands safely on the other side in a pile of straw, instead of ending up as a stain on the wall or with his insides spilled on the cobblestones of the courtyard pavement.
18. The hero from the future goes back in time and uses the old “Hey, what’s that over there?” trick to elude the villains, and it works because said villains come from an era in history when men were less-media savvy and more prone to believe in the sincerity of everything told to them by other people.
19. The hero from the future goes back in time and uses the old “Hey, what’s that over there?” trick to elude the villains, and it DOESN’T work because, let’s face it, that old trick has been around since the days the first cavemen walked the earth. (Only then it was known as “Lookout ! There’s a velociraptor headed straight for us!” Needless to say, it didn’t work very well THEN, either…)
20. An obnoxiously cute little creature that’s following the heroes around sacrifices it’s life for them, and at the end of the story, gets resurrected somehow. (This is usually much to the chagrin of the viewers/readers, most of whom had hated that annoying little turd from the moment it first appeared in the story and had cheered loudly when they thought it had been dispatched.)
21. Modern (sometimes painfully modern) jokes/clichés/conventions of society, etc. are used for comedic effect.
22. Archaic weapons are used improperly. (Or misused because it looks cool.) i.e.: A hero blocks his enemy’s downstroke while crouched on the ground with his back to him, a ninja catches an arrow or stops a swinging sword with his bare hands, etc.
23. Weapons are used which could never really work in reality the way they do in the story/series. (Not without slicing the user’s fingers off. CHAKRAM *Cough!*)
24. The most powerful member of the group (usually a wizard) refuses to use his powers unless absolutely necessary, even when doing so would have saved the group a month’s journey or prevented the death of one or more of its members.
25. The most powerful member of the group leaves at the most crucial moment and comes back to find that the group completely screwed everything up because he/she was gone.
26. When two members of sparring kingdoms travel together, they:
    • (if they’re of the same sex) become best of friends and decide to work together to unite their kingdoms.
    • (if they’re of the opposite sex) become lovers and decide to marry and have children to unite their kingdoms.
27. When a hero has a dark past/secret, it is known by:
    • the hero’s parent(s)/sibling(s)/guardian(s) who took care of him since he was a child. This person reveals the secret to the hero just before he dies, leaving the hero with no one to answer the many questions this revelation brought up.
      AND
    • the villain, who is connected to the past/secret in some way.
28. The heroes seek the help of a legendary warrior. Upon finding him, they discover him to be a washed-up, aged, curmudgeon-y old drunk who can barely stand up much less save the day.
29. When dealing with the heroes, the villain will always forgo the simple, straightforward option of crushing them utterly and instead, inexplicably choose to deploy his weakest weapons/minions against them first, thus allowing the heroes ample opportunity to build up their strength to the point where they become a bona fide threat.
30. (Corollary from Rule #2 above) If the villain looks monstrous, ferocious or intimidating, it’s true form will turn out to be weak, almost comical. If the villain is normal, puny-looking, or handsome, it’s true form will turn out to be towering and monstrous.
31. Comrades-in-arms who fall in battle are mourned by the heroes for a grand total of about three seconds and then callously forgotten about for the rest of the story.
32. Characters are able to perform or witness acts of tremendous violence, (mutilations, explosions, decapitations, massacres, etc.,) without ever suffering any negative mental repercussions in the form of nightmares, neuroses, psychosis, post-traumatic stress disorder, or anything else of that nature.
33. The hero shoots an arrow, the tip of which the camera follows right until it enters the forehead of its victim. (a’la Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, LOTR, etc.)
34. All it takes to make a miraculous recovery from a mortal injury is having an extreme will to live. (Or by having a soulmate/wise old friend/mysterious person with magical healing powers who will play a large role in the up-coming plotline to destroy the villain help you.)
35. The villain commits a cruel act that’s over-the-top in it’s senselessness (i.e. killing a messenger who brings bad news, crushing a canary or killing a cherished pet) for no other reason than to show just how evil he truly is.
36. The Evil Emperor imprisons the hero’s girlfriend, dresses her like a skank, offers her all the power and possessions her heart desires, and then is genuinely mystified when she fails to fall for him.
37. The Evil Empress imprisons the hero, dresses like a skank, offers him her beautiful, voluptuous body to do with as he pleases, and then is genuinely mystified when he fails to fall for her. (As are all the men reading/watching the story…)
38. Even though all the odds are stacked against him, the (average-minded) hero somehow manages to outwit the (brilliant) villain, simply because the hero is a) on the side of good or b) has someone else doing all the thinking for him or c) when about to die, uses the power of love and life to lift himself up one final time, which is just enough to kill the villain.
39. Scantily-clad and hatless heroes and heroines are able to walk for miles outdoors under a blazing sun without even the slightest hint of a sunburn or skin damage afterwards.
40. A story or episode features characters from competing and wildly differing religious belief systems (i.e. biblical figures, figures from Greek and Roman myths) interacting with each other seamlessly and apparently without any theological conflicts.
41. The story features a character employing some kind of a love potion. This usually turns out to be a Really Bad Idea because:
    • Love potions being used by people with good intentions (who wish to have certain members of the heroes’ party fall in love with certain other members, ) invariably wind up being drunk by people they were not intended for,
      AND
    • Love potions being used by the villain/villainess (to win over one of the hero characters) are annoyingly susceptible to being broken by that pesky ol’ Power of True Love Thing.
42. The heroes fight their way to the villain’s inner sanctum to find the villain, dressed in somber colors, playing creepy music on a pipe organ.
43. A character who is killed off is brought back in the lamest way possible by having the same actor who portrayed them play the deceased character’s twin, secret love child, alternate persona from another universe, etc.
44. Have I mentioned either the “Villain employs the hero’s evil twin or lookalike impostor against the hero” or the “Hero and Villain switch bodies and the hero’s companions don’t find out until it’s almost too late” clichés yet?
45. The last day of the year when the magical keyhole to the magical secret passage is able to appear in the side of the mountain, is, by sheer coincidence, the very same day the heroes arrive with the key.
46. Male characters who are kept in dungeons for several days exhibit no signs of beard growth, even though they may have been chained to a wall and thus, unable to shave themselves. (Same goes for scantily-clad female characters and leg and armpit hair growth.)
47. Characters absolutely cannot change their clothes or get them dirty unless, of course, it is story related. Addendum: No matter how many times the hero’s clothes are
    burned, bloodied, stained, torn, slashed, or otherwise mutilated, by the end of the episode/chapter, the clothes will be as good as new.
48. Right before the villain is about to be killed by the hero, he pleads for his life. Naturally, the hero takes pity on the villain and spares him, provided he vows to give up his evil ways. (Which he almost never DOES)
49. The hero will arrive at the last possible second to defeat the dark lord and save everybody.
50. Grand viziers are ALWAYS evil. Same goes for high priests. Something in the job description probably.
51. If the storyline features a joust or martial arts tournament, the heroes will wind up entering it (and winning it, in spite of it having been fixed by the villains.)
52. When the hero wins a contest set up by the villain, he will be denied his prize and/or thrown into jail. (Example: Japanese Final Fantasy 2)
53. Gunpowder hasn’t been invented. (Have you ever noticed how many fantasy stories are set in worlds where nobody has developed gunpowder?)
54. Magic and technology advance unequally. Magical worlds usually possess ancient and medieval technology. Likewise, in technological worlds, magic tends to play a secondary role at best.
55. The Dark Lord inspires such terror that no one dares to speak of him by name (at least aloud.)
56. Any person a main character marries (if they’re not a main character themselves) is toast. You can count the time they have left to live in seconds. (Corollary: If two people have sex in a non-hentai anime, one or both of them will be dead by the final frame.)
57. The forces of good reside in beautiful lands, while lands belonging to the forces of evil are unattractive. (The science-fictional equivalent of this cliché is that benevolent civilizations dwell on beautiful planets, while the planets of malevolent cultures are unattractive.)
58. The existence of magicians who can easily raze or bypass castle walls doesn’t render traditional castles obsolete.
59. Societies are traditional monarchies and traditional aristocracies.
60. Royal families include evil relatives who scheme to steal or who have stolen the throne from the rightful rulers, their heirs, or both.
61. The hero/heroine will find the code to something or other and spend a long time trying to break it, only to find out it was a simple password that didn’t deserve the time it took to break, but bears significant importance to the plot.
62. The story is actually an allegory of some real period which occurred in history (ie: Nazi Germany, Renaissance-Era Venice, Communist Russia, etc.) with characters who are thinly disguised versions of real historical figures.
63. The villain of a “barbarian fantasy”/sword-and-sorcery story/movie maintains a harem of scantily-clad slave girls.
64. A villain raping a female hero = a tragic, criminal act which inspires vengeance. A hero raping a female villain = the female villain falls head over heels in love with the hero and spends the rest of the story trying to win him over.
65. Our world is connected to other dimensions through portals and linking rooms. (Corollary: In fantasy worlds, teleportation is usually based on magical not scientific principles and is used [mostly] as a cheap device to quickly get characters to the next plot point.)
66. Heroes from our world visit other dimensions and thwart the schemes of resident Evil Overlords. (Corollary to above: Heroes from our world who find themselves in other dimensions usually have at least one member of their party who’s seen or read a lot of fantasy stories and who believes themselves savvy as to how their new world actually works.)
67. Heroes and villains from other dimensions visit our world and decide to turn it into a battlefield for their final conflict (which usually results in the near destruction of our world. Fortunately, the otherworldly visitors usually have the ability to undo the damage they’ve caused by turning back time or by casting a clean-up spell.)
68. People who travel into dimensions which are vastly different from their own suffer very little in the way of culture shock, even if the place they came from was a small medieval dirt-hut village and the world they traveled to is an advanced, futuristic, neon-sign and machine-filled cityscape.
69. In contrast to villains, who often dress in dark or sinister colors, heroes frequently dress in bright but sensible colors.
70. Monarchies are hereditary. With the possible exception of religious hierarchies, elective monarchies do not exist.
71. Popular monarchies do not exist. The titles of monarchs are linked to their states instead of their peoples. Likewise, monarchs are regarded as governing well-defined states rather than peoples.
72. Survivors of a postmodern apocalypse (or people from a futuristic society who crash-land on a primitive world) will revert to a primitive way of life and start speaking like cavemen. (Alternatively, they’ll speak normally but selectively mangle the pronunciation of common terms and place names for no good reason other than to prove how “changed” they are.) Items and inventions from the ancient (modern) past will often be treated like sacred relics. (Nuclear missiles will be held in especially high regard and worshipped as sacred totems. At least until they blow up.)
73. On a post-holocaust Earth, the inhabitants adopt magic instead of science and technology. (Corollary: Commonly on post-holocaust Earths, magic is rationalized as being based on psionics.)
74. Magic is actually a form of science that has never been systematized in our world.
75. Fantasy cultures are frequently derived from northern Europe.
76. Fantasy cultures in Japanese RPG’s are also frequently derived from northern Europe (but will have at least one village filled with Asian architecture where everyone looks and dresses Japanese. This village is where all the ninjas, martial arts training monks, and cool ronin samurai warriors live.)
77. Magic is passed through bloodlines. (This can create castes within magic-user communities where “purebloods” think themselves better than “half-breeds” or “mixed-bloods”.)
78. If a hero has an identical twin or clone, it will invariably turn out to be evil.
79. If a villain has an identical twin or clone, it will usually also turn out to be evil. (This is especially true if the villain is killed off at the end of one season, and the producers of the show don’t want to hire a brand new actor to fill up the “villain” slot in the cast for the next season.)
80. In the rare event that a character’s identical twin or clone isn’t evil, they’ll usually turn out to be a polar opposite of that character in terms of personality. (This is often done for comedic effect, with the result sometimes being that the character’s friends and cohorts come to like the twin even more than they like the character, and are sad to see the twin go…)
81. It is not unusual for all members of a hero’s family to look exactly like the hero. (Even female members will do so it’s not unusual for the hero’s grandmother to look just like the hero himself wearing a bad granny wig.) Identical cousins are really common, as are identical ancestors or descendants, who look like the hero even down to the way they style their hair!
82. During the final, climactic fight of the first book/season of a series, a hero will inadvertently discover a power they have that is very scary and that no one else has.
83. The lands of the hero are suffering a horrible drought that ends the moment the villain is killed.
84. Somehow or another, no matter how many dangerous fights the heroes get themselves into, they are never hurt or scarred. If they are hurt and scarred they will quickly heal it themselves or it (amazingly) will disappear in the next chapter/episode.
85. Somehow or another the villain ALWAYS comes back, even if the heroes witness him being killed with their own eyes.
86. A villain who starts working along with the hero/heroine will always earn their trust, even after all the times the villain almost killed them.
87. There seems to always be a mysterious tavern…

Van Helsing Rules
Here’s a special subset of clichés I like to call the Van Helsing Rules, named after the infamous vampire movie which employed nearly every hackneyed monster movie cliché in the book and which shattered nearly every law of physics and reason…

• Van Helsing Rule #1: All anti-hero types must dress in black, have mysterious pasts, a gruff demeanor, and the ability to crack witty remarks during the heat of battle. No matter how competent they are, or how many people they manage to save, they’ll always find themselves hated by the public and mistrusted by their superiors.
• Van Helsing Rule #2: If the cool anti-hero gets paired with a sidekick, it’ll most likely be a kooky comic-relief gadgeteer who, inexplicably, winds up getting laid more often than he does. Corollary : It is NEVER right when the kooky comic relief gadgeteer winds up getting laid more often than the cool anti-hero. Especially if the cool anti-hero happens to be played by Hugh Jackman.
• Van Helsing Rule #3: Lower-ranking clergy NEVER take the whole “obeying the ten commandments” and “celibacy” thing very seriously. (In spite of this, they are almost always more trustworthy and compassionate than the Vatican higher-ups…)
• Van Helsing Rule #4: Cool anti-heroes love their hats and will do anything to keep from losing them.
• Van Helsing Rule #5: The cooler-looking and “seemingly-more-likely-to-go-out-of-control-and-kill-the-person-wielding-it-than-the-person-it’s-aimed-at” a weapon is, the better it works.
• Van Helsing Rule #6: All crossbows basically behave like machine guns with arrows.
• Van Helsing Rule #7: High heels and a tight corset are considered acceptable vampire-hunting garb.
• Van Helsing Rule #8: Powerful supervillains like to keep their friends close, their enemies closer and the one object which is capable of saving the hero and contributing to their own demise in a lightly guarded room located within their own fortress.
• Van Helsing Rule #9: All unknown viscous fluids are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
• Van Helsing Rule #10: In Eastern Europe, the full moon occurs approximately once every four days.
• Van Helsing Rule #11: You need never keep track of where you’re going in a desperate pitched battle, because ALL you need to do is swing on a rope and/or crash through a window and you’ll automatically find yourself at the one place you needed to go to next.
• Van Helsing Rule #12: The stroke of midnight can, if the plot calls for it, go on for twenty minutes or more.
• Van Helsing Rule #13: Female characters who fall in love with the cool anti-hero are invariably doomed. (The fact that they were able to kick ass and survive high falls, beatings and monster attacks for the first 98% of the movie is irrelevant. All it will take to dispatch them at the end is a simple stab wound.)
• Van Helsing Rule #14: Cool, creepy art direction and millions of dollars of special effects cannot make up for a script conceived and written by a severely impaired tube worm…

At Kate Monk’s Onomastikon (Dictionary of Names) she has compiled and organized an extensive resource for naming foreign characters: first names, surnames and naming practices from around the world, past and present. Where else will you find 156 Mongolian first names? And 293 Anglo-Saxon names? And a list of not only Russian first names but also nicknames?

While baby name sites will eagerly provide you with a list of foreign names, often nicknames and English versions of the names are mixed in. Kate Monk has provided some well researched lists, originally intended for gamers: America, Ancient World, Africa, Celtic, England (divided into historical periods), Europe, Former Soviet Union, Inida, Middle East, Orient, Pacific.

The Native American and Pacific Islander names are a bit sketchy. And the lists are divided up a little too much (to find all the Russian male names you need to view six different pages: Greek, Latin, Biblical, Slavic, Germanic and Various. The lists were compiled 10 years ago so I suspect page load time was her concern at the time but all in all very useful.

(A few of the links are broken and you’ll be directed to a page with some choices. The choices work just fine.)

Here’s a few women’s names pulled together in a few minutes:

Nyanath Kayra (Sudan)
Ethne Dinneen (Celtic)
Grazia Salutari (Italian)
Tereza Lucescu (Romanian)
Kolbrun “Kolly” Sigurbjornsson (Iceland)
Kifayat Chorakchi (Azerbaijan)
Kavika Revathi (India)
Damla Kazaz (Turkey)
Qori Dashyondon (Mongolia)
Natsuko Shizuma (Japan)
Nyree Rupuma (Maori)
Xetsa Donkor (Ghana)
Fientje Barberie (Netherlands)

Here’s an extensive list of character traits. You can pick a couple or three to form the basis of a character. Then create a character with the opposite traits to form a friend, enemy, sibling, mentor … ?

While there’s a great deal to be said about nature forming our characters, it’s a lot more interesting for a story if there’s a background reason! :-) So ask yourself why the character developed those traits. What happened in the past, recent or childhood, that moved them in that direction. And perhaps they display the trait only in limited contexts. A low energy character could be forceful when the one thing he cares about is threatened. A frugal character could have a massive collection of manga. Someone could dole out their compassion just to those who are trying hard and have little sympathy for those who are letting themselves be weighed down.

Pick all from one list or all from different lists or mix them up and choose completely randomly. There are plenty of positive traits that aren’t normally paired together and could make for interesting characters, for example, cultured and easy going, or inept and cocky, or feisty and dainty so it isn’t necessary to mix them up.

If you love lists, there’s another list: Raymond Cattell’s 16 Personality Factors. Again, feel free to pick all “Low Range” or all “High Range” factors since shy and practical, or sensitive and lively, or competitive and solitary aren’t usual combinations but could make for some nicely complex characters when you dig into their lives and figure out why they’ve become who they are.

Positive traits

Accommodating
Accomplished
Adaptable
Adventurous
Affectionate
Agreeable
Amusing
Appreciative
Approachable
Articulate
Artistic
Audacious
Authoritative
Bewitching
Brave
Carefree
Careful
Charismatic
Charming
Chaste
Cheerful
Classy
Compassionate
Composed
Confident
Congenial
Conscientious
Considerate
Consistent
Content
Cooperative
Creative
Cultured
Curious
Dainty
Debonair
Decent
Determined
Dignified
Disciplined
Easy-going
Educated
Empathetic
Energetic
Enthusiastic
Exuberant
Faithful
Feisty
Flexible
Focused
Forgiving
Frank
Friendly
Frugal
Fun-loving
Gentle
Glamorous
Good-natured
Graceful
Gracious
Gregarious
Honest
Honorable
Hopeful
Hospitable
Imaginative
Impeccable
Informed
Inquisitive
Insightful
Insouciant
Intellectual
Intelligent
Intelligent
Introspective
Intuitive
Inventive
Kind
Knowledgeable
Logical
Loving
Mature
Merciful
Modest
Noble
Observant
Open-minded
Optimistic
Organized
Outgoing
Outspoken
Passionate
Patient
Perceptive
Persistent
Pert
Philanthropic
Polite
Practical
Prosaic
Quirky
Rational
Reliable
Resilient
Respectful
Romantic
Saintly
Savvy
Selfless
Sensual
Serene
Serious
Sincere
Smart
Spiritual
Supportive
Sweet
Sympathetic
Tactful
Thoughtful
Thrifty
Tireless
Tolerant
Trusting
Unassuming
Virtuous
Vivacious
Well-groomed
Wholesome

Depends on the context whether they’re positive or negative

Aggressive
Ambitious
Aristocratic
Assertive
Boisterous
Brazen
Conservative
Conventional
Delicate
Direct
Dramatic
Eccentric
Elusive
Enigmatic
Exotic
Fearless
Flamboyant
Flirtatious
Holy
Humble
Idiosyncratic
Impulsive
Innocent
Irreverent
Liberal
Loner
Macho
Meticulous
Nonchalant
Nostalgic
Obedient
Obsessive
Opportunistic
Persuasive
Pious
Private
Proud
Quiet
Religious
Sensitive
Sentimental
Soft-spoken
Subtle
Talkative
Tough
Unconventional
Uninhibited
Worldly
Zany
Zealous

Generally negative descriptors, but not aspects that make you want to keep your distance

Absent-minded
Accident-prone
Aloof
Anxious
Apathetic
Apologetic
Apprehensive
Bewildered
Clumsy
Cocky
Compliant
Compulsive
Confused
Crafty
Cranky
Cunning
Cynical
Daffy
Defiant
Detached
Disorganized
Distant
Distraught
Dowdy
Downtrodden
Dull
Dumb
Emotional
Excessive
Excitable
Extravagant
Fanatical
Fatalistic
Finicky
Flippant
Flustered
Fragile
Frigid
Frustrated
Gaudy
Gloomy
Grandiose
Haggard
Hesitant
Hysterical
Ignorant
Immature
Immodest
Impatient
Impudent
Incoherent
Incompetent
Inconsiderate
Indecisive
Indifferent
Indiscreet
Inept
Infantile
Inhibited
Insecure
Insensitive
Insulting
Intimidating
Introverted
Irresponsible
Irritable
Jealous
Lazy
Lethargic
Materialistic
Melodramatic
Messy
Miserly
Moody
Naive
Neurotic
Non-committing
Opinionated
Ornery
Paranoid
Passive
Pessimistic
Petty
Presumptuous
Pretentious
Prim
Pushy
Rebellious
Reclusive
Remote
Resentful
Reserved
Righteous
Rowdy
Rude
Sarcastic
Sassy
Self-absorbed
Self-conscious
Self-effacing
Self-righteous
Senile
Shallow
Sheepish
Shy
Silent
Silly
Simple
Sloppy
Sluggish
Snobby
Spiteful
Squeamish
Stern
Stingy
Stoical
Straight-laced
Strict
Stubborn
Submissive
Surly
Suspicious
Temperamental
Tense
Tentative
Timid
Trivial
Unclean
Uncommunicative
Uneasy
Unmotivated
Unreasonable
Verbose
Vulnerable
Withdrawn

Quite negative, people you want to have as little contact with as possible

Abrasive
Angry
Annoying
Antisocial
Argumentative
Arrogant
Belligerent
Bossy
Calculating
Callous
Conceited
Condescending
Controlling
Cowardly
Critical
Crude
Deceitful
Despicable
Disgusting
Dogmatic
Domineering
Egocentric
Egotistic
Embittered
Greedy
Grotesque
Hypocritical
Intolerant
Judgmental
Lascivious
Lewd
Maniacal
Manipulative
Mean
Nasty
Obnoxious
Obscene
Overbearing
Perverted
Pompous
Profane
Promiscuous
Selfish
Sleazy
Sneaky
Unapproachable
Unscrupulous
Vain
Vindictive
Vulgar

Pretty darn evil

Abusive
Cruel
Dishonest
Hateful
Inhumane
Masochistic
Psychopathic
Psychotic
Ruthless
Sadistic
Traitorous
Tyrannical
Vengeful
Wicked

Like the Fantasy Novelists Exam and Grand list of overused science fiction clichés here’s The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches. While it’s not as closely tied to writing as those, they’re funny and many of them are relevant to fantasy writing.

1. Sleepyhead Rule
   The teenaged male lead will begin the first day of the game by oversleeping, being woken up by his mother, and being reminded that he’s slept in so late he missed meeting his girlfriend.
2. “No! My beloved peasant village!”
   The hero’s home town, city, slum, or planet will usually be annihilated in a spectacular fashion before the end of the game, and often before the end of the opening scene.
3. Thinking With The Wrong Head (Hiro Rule)
   No matter what she’s accused of doing or how mysterious her origins are, the hero will always be ready to fight to the death for any girl he met three seconds ago.
4. Cubic Zirconium Corollary
   The aforementioned mysterious girl will be wearing a pendant that will ultimately prove to be the key to either saving the world or destroying it.
5. Logan’s Run Rule
   RPG characters are young. Very young. The average age seems to be 15, unless the character is a decorated and battle-hardened soldier, in which case he might even be as old as 18. Such teenagers often have skills with multiple weapons and magic, years of experience, and never ever worry about their parents telling them to come home from adventuring before bedtime. By contrast, characters more than twenty-two years old will cheerfully refer to themselves as washed-up old fogies and be eager to make room for the younger generation.
6. Single Parent Rule
   RPG characters with two living parents are almost unheard of. As a general rule, male characters will only have a mother, and female characters will only have a father. The missing parent either vanished mysteriously and traumatically several years ago or is never referred to at all. Frequently the main character’s surviving parent will also meet an awkward end just after the story begins, thus freeing him of inconvenient filial obligations.
7. Some Call Me… Tim?
   Good guys will only have first names, and bad guys will only have last names. Any bad guy who only has a first name will become a good guy at some point in the game. Good guys’ last names may be mentioned in the manual but they will never be referred to in the story.
8. Nominal Rule
   Any character who actually has a name is important in some way and must be sought out. However, if you are referred to as a part of a posessive noun (”Crono’s Mom”) then you are superfluous.
9. The Compulsories
   There’s always a fire dungeon, an ice dungeon, a sewer maze, a misty forest, a derelict ghost ship, a mine, a glowing crystal maze, an ancient temple full of traps, a magic floating castle, and a technological dungeon.
10. Luddite Rule (or, George Lucas Rule)
    Speaking of which, technology is inherently evil and is the exclusive province of the Bad Guys. They’re the ones with the robots, factories, cyberpunk megalopolises and floating battle stations, while the Good Guys live in small villages in peaceful harmony with nature. (Although somehow your guns and/or heavily armed airships are exempted from this.)
11. Let’s Start From The Very Beginning (Yuna Rule)
    Whenever there is a sequel to an RPG that features the same main character as the previous game, that character will always start with beginner skills. Everything that they learned in the previous game will be gone, as will all their ultra-powerful weapons and equipment.
12. Poor Little Rich Hero (Meis Rule)
    If the hero comes from a rich and powerful family, it will have fallen on hard times and be broke and destitute by the time the game actually starts.
13. The Higher The Hair, The Closer To God (Cloud Rule)
    The more outrageous his hairstyle, the more important a male character is to the story.
14. Garrett’s Principle
    Let’s not mince words: you’re a thief. You can walk into just about anybody’s house like the door wasn’t even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that’s not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers’ houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores.
15. Hey, I Know You!
    You will accumulate at least three of these obligatory party members:
    • The spunky princess who is rebelling against her royal parent and is in love with the hero.
    • The demure, soft-spoken female mage and healing magic specialist who is not only in love with the hero, but is also the last survivor of an ancient race.
    • The tough-as-nails female warrior who is not in love with the hero (note that this is the only female character in the game who is not in love with the hero and will therefore be indicated as such by having a spectacular scar, a missing eye, cyborg limbs or some other physical deformity — see The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Rule.)
    • The achingly beautiful gothy swordsman who is riven by inner tragedy.
    • The big, tough, angry guy who, deep down, is a total softy.
    • The hero’s best friend, who is actually much cooler than the hero.
    • The grim, selfish mercenary who over the course of the game learns what it means to really care about other people.
    • The character who is actually a spy for the bad guys but will instantly switch to your side when you find out about it.
    • The weird bonus character who requires a bizarre series of side quests to make them effective (with the ultimate result that no player ever uses this character if it can be avoided.)
    • The nauseatingly cute mascot who is useless in all battles.
16. Hey, I Know You, Too!
    You will also confront/be confronted by at least three of these obligatory antagonists:
    • The amazingly good-looking and amazingly evil long-haired prettyboy who may or may not be the ultimate villain.
    • The villain’s loyal right-hand man, who comes in two versions: humorously incompetent or annoyingly persistent.
    • The villain’s attractive female henchman, who is the strongest and most competent soldier in the army but always lets the party escape because she’s, yes, fallen in love with the hero.
    • Your former ally who supposedly “died” and was forgotten about, until much later in the game when he/she shows up again on the villain’s side and full of bitterness.
    • The irritatingly honorable foe whom you never get to kill because, upon discovering the true nature of his superiors, he either nobly sacrifices himself or joins your party.
    • The insane clown or jester who will turn out to be surprisingly difficult to subdue.
    • The mad scientist who likes creating mutated creatures and powerful weapons ‘cause it’s fun (and also handy if uninvited adventurers show up.)
    • The adorably cute li’l creature or six year old child who fights you and, inexplicably, kicks your butt time after time.
17. Hey, I Know You, Three!
    Furthermore, expect to encounter most of the following obligatory non-player chararcters (NPCs):
    • The townsperson or crewmember who wanders aimlessly in circles and never quite gets where he is going.
    • Hilariously incompetent or cowardly soldiers.
    • The NPC who has a crush on another NPC and can’t quite work up the nerve to tell him or her, so instead tells every other person who wanders by about it at great length.
    • A group of small children playing hide-and-seek.
    • The wise and noble captain/king/high priest.
    • The wise and noble captain/king/high priest’s splutteringly evil second-in-command. Nobody, including the hero, will notice the second’s constant, crazed scheming until the moment when he betrays everyone to the forces of badness.
    • The NPC who is obsessed with his completely mundane job and witters on endlessly about how great it is. He’s so thrilled by it that he wants to share it with everyone he sees, so given a quarter of a chance he’ll make you do his job for him.
    • The (adult) NPC who has nothing better to do than play kids’ games with passersby.
    • The group of young women who have formed a scarily obsessive fan club for one of your female party members.
18. Crono’s Complaint
    The less the main character talks, the more words are put into his mouth, and therefore the more trouble he gets into through no fault of his own.
19. “Silly Squall, bringing a sword to a gunfight…”
    No matter what timeframe the game is set in — past, present, or future — the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.
20. Just Nod Your Head And Smile
    And no matter how big that big-ass sword is, you won’t stand out in a crowd. Nobody ever crosses the street to avoid you or seems to be especially shocked or alarmed when a heavily armed gang bursts into their house during dinner, rummages through their posessions, and demands to know if they’ve seen a black-caped man. People can get used to anything, apparently.
21. Aeris’s Corollary
    Just as the main male character will always use a sword or a variant of a sword, the main female character will always use a rod or a staff of some sort.
22. MacGyver Rule
    Other than for the protagonists, your choice of weapons is not limited to the prosaic guns, clubs, or swords. Given appropriate skills, you can cut a bloody swath across the continent using gloves, combs, umbrellas, megaphones, dictionaries, sketching tablets — you name it, you can kill with it. Even better, no matter how surreal your choice of armament, every store you pass will just happen to stock an even better model of it for a very reasonable price. Who else is running around the world killing people with an umbrella?
23. O Brother, Where Art Thou? (Melfice Rule)
    If the male hero has an older sibling, the sibling will also be male and will turn out to be one of the major villains. If the hero has a younger sibling, the sibling will be female and will be kidnapped and held hostage by the villains.
24. Capitalism Is A Harsh Mistress
    Once you sell something to a shopkeeper, he instantly sells it to somebody else and you will never see the item again no matter what.
25. Dimensional Transcendence Principle
    Buildings are much, much larger on the inside than on the outside, and that doesn’t even count the secret maze of tunnels behind the clock in the basement.
26. Local Control Rule
    Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only casual nuisances to cities later in the game, nobody from the first city ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the later cities to kill the monster.
27. Nostradamus Rule
    All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.
28. IDKFA
    The basic ammunition for any firearms your characters have is either unlimited or very, very easy to obtain. This will apply even if firearms are extremely rare.
29. Indestructible Weapon Rule
    No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or fire that gun on full auto mode it will never break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs maintenance.
30. Selective Paralysis
    Your characters must always keep both feet on the ground and will be unable to climb over low rock ledges, railings, chairs, cats, slightly differently-colored ground, or any other trivial objects which may happen to be in their way. Note that this condition will not prevent your characters from jumping from railroad car to railroad car later in the game.
31. Bed Bed Bed
    A good night’s sleep will cure all wounds, diseases, and disabilities, up to and including death in battle.
32. You Can’t Kill Me, I Quit (Seifer Rule)
    The good guys never seem to get the hang of actually arresting or killing the bad guys. Minor villains are always permitted to go free so they can rest up and menace you again later — sometimes five minutes later. Knowing this rule, you can deduce that if you do manage to kill (or force the surrender of) a bad guy, you must be getting near the end of the game.
33. And Now You Die, Mr. Bond! (Beatrix Rule)
    Fortunately for you, the previous rule also applies in reverse. Rather than kill you when they have you at their mercy, the villains will settle for merely blasting you down to 1 hit point and leaving you in a crumpled heap while they stroll off, laughing. (This is, of course, because they’re already planning ahead how they’ll manipulate you into doing their bidding later in the game — see Way To Go, Serge.)
34. Zap!
    Most villains in RPGs possess some form of teleportation. They generally use it to materialize in front of the adventurers when they reach the Obligatory Legendary Relic Room and seize the goodies just before you can. The question “if the bad guy can teleport anywhere at any time, then why doesn’t (s)he just zip in, grab the artifact, and leave before the adventurers have even finished the nerve-wracking puzzle on the third floor?” is never answered.
35. Heads I Win, Tails You Lose (Grahf Rule)
    It doesn’t matter that you won the fight with the boss monster; the evil task he was trying to carry out will still get accomplished somehow. Really, you might as well not have bothered.
36. Clockwork Universe Rule
    No matter how hard you try to stop it, that comet or meteor will always hit the earth.
37. Fake Ending
    There will be a sequence which pretends to be the end of the game but obviously isn’t — if for no other reason than because you’re still on Disk 1 of 4.
38. You Die, And We All Move Up In Rank
    During that fake ending, the true villain of the story will kill the guy you’d thought was the villain, just to demonstrate what a badass he (the true villain) really is. You never get to kill the fake villain yourself.
39. “What are we going to do tonight, Vinsfeld?”
    The goal of every game (as revealed during the Fake Ending) is to Save the World from an evil figure who’s trying to take it over or destroy it. There is no way to escape from this formidable task. No matter whether the protagonist’s goal in life is to pay off a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to make time with that cute girl in the blue dress, it will be necessary for him to Save the World in order to accomplish it. Take heart, though — once the world gets sorted out, everything else will fall into place almost immediately.
40. Zelda’s Axiom
    Whenever somebody tells you about “the five ancient talismans” or “the nine legendary crystals” or whatever, you can be quite confident that Saving the World will require you to go out and find every last one of them.
41. George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative
    Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three.
42. Fodor’s Guide Rule
    In the course of your adventure you will visit one desert city, one port town, one mining town, one casino city, one magic city (usually flying), one medieval castle kingdom, one clockwork city, one martial arts-based community, one thieves’ slum, one lost city and one sci-fi utopia. On the way you’ll also get a chance to see the cave with rocks that glow from a natural energy source, the village populated with nonhuman characters, the peaceful village where everyone knows the latest news about the hero’s quest (see Guy in the Street Rule), the snow village, the magical forest/lake/mountain, the shop in the middle of nowhere, the fantastic-looking place with lots of FMVs just showing your entrance, the subtropical jungle island populated by friendly natives, the annoying cavern maze, and a place — any place — that was destroyed in some past disaster.
43. Midgar Principle
    The capital of the evil empire is always divided into two sections: a lower city slum filled with slaves and supporters of the rebellion, and an upper city filled with loyal fanatics and corrupt aristocrats.
44. Not Invented Here
    Trade of technology will not exist. One place in the world will have all the techno-gadgets while all the others will be harvesting dirt.
45. Law of Cartographical Elegance
    The world map always cleanly fits into a rectangular shape with no land masses that cross an edge.
46. ¿Quien Es Mas Macho? (Fargo Rule)
    Every powerful character you attempt to seek aid from will first insist upon “testing your strength” in a battle to the death.
47. We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To, Well, You Know The Rest (Selene Rule)
    No matter what happens, never call on the government, the church, or any other massive controlling authority for help. They’ll just send a brigade of soldiers to burn your entire village to the ground.
48. Zidane’s Curse (or, Dirty Pair Rule)
    An unlucky condition in which every major city in the game will coincidentally wind up being destroyed just after the hero arrives.
49. Maginot Line Rule
    It is easy to tell which city/nation is the next conquest of the Evil Empire: its streets are filled with citizens who brag that the Empire would never dare attack them, and would be easily defeated if it tried. (This smug nationalism always fails to take into account the Empire’s new superweapon.)
50. Short Attention Span Principle
    All bookshelves contain exactly one book, which only has enough text on it to fill up half a page.
51. Planet of the Apes Rule
    All cities and countries have ancestors that were wiped out by their technological advances.
52. Insomnia Rule
    A “free stay at the inn” is never really free. Expect to be woken up in the middle of the night for a mandatory plot event.
53. The Bling-Bling Thing (Lemina Rule)
    No matter how much money and treasure you acquire, the greedy member of your party will never be satisfied and won’t stop griping about the sorry state of the party’s finances.
54. I Don’t Like Gears Or Fighting
    There are always giant robots. Always.
55. Houdini’s Postulate
    Anyone, whether they are in the player’s party or not, who is placed in any kind of prison, fortress, cell, or detention block will escape immediately. Party members will be freed either by a small child they just happened to befriend earlier in the day or by an unexpected disaster that overcomes the enemy base, NPCs will be freed by the released party members, and villains will break out all by themselves because they’re such badasses. Once a person has escaped from jail, no attempt will be made by the police to recapture them in the future.
56. Zeigfried’s Contradiction
    Just because someone is weird doesn’t mean they’re important.
57. Natural Monopoly Rule
    No city will have more than two shops, unless it is crucial to the story that there be a hundred vendors which you must visit in order (see You Always Travel In The Right Circles.) All of these shops will sell the same goods for the same price.
58. But They Don’t Take American Express
    Every merchant in the world — even those living in far-off villages or hidden floating cities cut off from the outside world for centuries, even those who speak different languages or are of an entirely different species — accepts the same currency.
59. Apathy Principle
    Your group is the only bunch of people trying to save the world. All other would-be heroes will either join your party or else turn out to be cowards and/or con men.
60. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Rule
    a. Any male character who is ugly, malformed, or misshapen is either evil or so moral, spiritual, and/or wise that it’s a wonder no one’s proposed him for sainthood yet.
    b. Any male character who has a physical disfiguration that doesn’t seem to impede him (i.e. a prominent scar across the face or a bad eye) is evil, unless he is the male lead, since scars are cool and no other good guy can be as cool as the hero. An exception is made for characters who are clearly ancient, and therefore automatically not as cool as the young hero.
    c. Any female character who is ugly, malformed, mishapen, or physically disfigured is evil, since all good female characters are there to be potentially seduced by the male lead — see Know Your Audience.
61. Henchman Quota (Nana, Saki, and Mio Rule)
    One of your antagonists will have three lovably incompetent stooges whom you fight over and over again. Although they’re trusted with their boss’s most important plans and equipment, they will screw up repeatedly, argue incessantly among themselves, blab secret information, and generally only come out victorious when their job was to be a diversion or a delaying tactic. A high point of the game will come when the True Villain reveals himself and you’re able to convince the stooges you’re all on the same side. They won’t help you out any more successfully than they helped the antagonist, but at least you won’t have to fight them any more.
62. Thousand Year Rule
    The Ancient Evil returns to savage the land every thousand years on the dot, and the last time it showed up was just about 999.9875 years ago. Despite their best efforts, heroes of the past were never able to do more than seal the Evil away again for the future to deal with (which brings up the question of just how exactly does this “sealing away” work anyway, but never mind.) The good news is that this time, the Evil will get destroyed permanently. The bad news is that you’re the one who’s going to have to do it.
63. Principle of Narrative Efficiency
    If the main villain (or the enemy you’ve been trying to kill for most of the game before he summons the real final villain) was ever defeated in the past by another group of adventurers, one of them will secretly be in your party and one of them will be the hero’s father.
64. Ayn Rand’s Revenge
    Outside the major cities, there is no government whatsoever. Of course, perhaps that explains why it’s so difficult and dangerous to get anywhere outside the major cities.
65. First Law of Travel
    Anything can become a vehicle — castles, cities, military academies, you name it — so do not be alarmed when the stones of the ancient fortress you are visiting shake underfoot and the whole thing lifts off into the sky. As a corollary, anything is capable of flight if it would be cool, aeronautics or even basic physics be damned.
66. Second Law of Travel
    There will be only one of any non-trivial type of vehicle in the entire world. Thus, only one ocean-capable steamboat, only one airship, and so forth. Massive facilities will have been constructed all over the world to service this one vehicle.
67. Third Law of Travel
    The only way to travel by land between different areas of a continent will always be through a single narrow pass in a range of otherwise impenetrable mountains. Usually a palace or monastery will have been constructed in the pass, entirely filling it, so that all intracontinental traffic is apparently required to abandon their vehicles and go on foot up stairs and through the barracks, library and throne room to get to the other side. This may explain why most people just stay home. (In some cases a cave or underground tunnel may be substituted for the palace or monastery, but it will still be just as inconvenient with the added bonuses of cave-ins and nonsensical elevator puzzles.)
68. Fourth Law of Travel
    Three out of every four vehicles you ride on will eventually sink, derail or crash in some spectacular manner.
69. Fifth Law of Travel
    All vehicles can be driven or piloted by anyone. The main character just needs to find out where the bridge or steering wheel is, as he already knows all of the controls.
70. Sixth Law of Travel
    Nobody gets to own a cooler ride than you. If you ever do see a cooler vehicle than the one you’ve got now, at some point before the end of the game you will either take over this vehicle, get something even bigger and better, or else see it destroyed in a glorious blaze.
71. Seventh Law of Travel
    When on a voyage to another continent, the journey will last only as long as it takes you to talk to all the other passengers and the captain.
72. Eighth Law of Travel
    There are no shortcuts, ever — unless you are forced to take them, in which case they will be much longer and more dangerous than your original route.
73. Last Law of Travel (Big Joe Rule)
    As has been described, you must endure great trials just to get from town to town: locating different vehicles, operating ancient transport mechanisms, evading military blockades, the list goes on. But that’s just you. Every other character in the game seems to have no trouble getting to any place in the world on a moment’s notice.
74. If You Meet The Buddha In A Random Encounter, Kill Him!
    When you’re out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire hydrants, small cottages, anything and everything is just plain out to get you. It may be because of your rampant kleptomania (see Garrett’s Principle.)
75. Law of Numbers
    There will be several items or effects which depend on the numerical value of your hit points, level, etc., which makes no sense unless the characters can see all the numbers in their world and find it perfectly normal that a spell only works on a monster whose level is a multiple of 5.
76. Magical Inequality Theorem
    In the course of your travels you may find useful-sounding spells such as Petrify, Silence, and Instant Death. However, you will end up never using these spells in combat because a) all ordinary enemies can be killed with a few normal attacks, making fancy attacks unneccessary, b) all bosses and other stronger-than-average monsters are immune to those effects so there’s no point in using them for long fights where they’d actually come in handy, and c) the spells usually don’t work anyway.
77. Magical Inequality Corollary
    When the enemy uses Petrify, Silence, Instant Death, et cetera spells on you, they will be effective 100% of the time.
78. Pretty Line Syndrome (or, Crash Bandicoot: The RPG)
    Seen in most modern RPGs. The key to completing your quest is to walk forward in a straight line for fifty hours, stopping along the way to look at, kill, and/or have meaningful conversations with various pretty things.
79. Xenobiology Rule
    The predatory species of the world will include representatives of all of the following: giant spiders, giant scorpions, giant snakes, giant beetles, wolves, squid, fish that float in midair, gargoyles, golems, carnivorous plants, chimeras, griffons, cockatrices, hydras, minotaurs, burrowing things with big claws, things that can paralyse you, things that can put you to sleep, things that can petrify you, at least twenty different creatures with poisonous tentacles, and dragons. Always dragons.
80. Friendly Fire Principle (or, Final Fantasy Tactics Rule)
    Any attack that can target both allies and enemies will hit half of your allies and none of your enemies.
81. Dungeon Design 101
    There’s always goodies hidden behind the waterfall.
82. Dungeon Design 102
    When you are confronted by two doors, the closer one will be locked and its key will be hidden behind the farther-away one.
83. Dungeon Design 103 (or, Wallpaper Warning)
    Your progress through a dungeon will be indicated by a sudden change in decor: different wall
    color, different torches on the wall, et cetera.
84. Dungeon Design 201 (or, The Interior Decorators Anticipated Your Out-Of-Body Experience)
    Most dungeons will include “hidden” passages which are nearly impossible to see from a bird’s-eye view, yet would be blaringly obvious from the party’s perspective.
85. Dungeon Design 301
    All “puzzles” in RPG dungeons can be sorted into one of the following types:
    • finding some small item and sticking it into a slot;
    • pushing blocks (rocks, statues) onto switches;
    • pulling switches or levers to open and close doors;
    • learning the correct order/position of a group of objects;
    • entering a certain combination of doors;
    • something involving a clock or elevator;
    • something that is unsolvable because a vital clue in the dialogue was mistranslated out of Japanese.
86. Wait! That Was A Load-Bearing Boss!
    Defeating a dungeon’s boss creature will frequently cause the dungeon to collapse, which is nonsensical but does make for thrilling escape scenes.
87. Supply and Demand Axiom
    Killing a powerful enemy will usually yield an item or weapon that would’ve been extremely useful if you had gotten it before killing that enemy.
88. Edison’s Lament
    No switch is ever in the right position.
89. Well, That About Wraps It Up For God
    All major deities, assuming they actually exist and weren’t just made up by the Church to delude its followers, are in reality malevolent and will have to be destroyed. The only exception to this rule is the four nature spirits who have preserved the land since time immemorial, but now due to the folly of mankind have lost virtually all of their power and need you to accomplish some ludicrous task to save them.
90. Guy in the Street Rule
    No matter how fast you travel, rumors of world events always travel faster. When you get to anywhere, the people on the street are already talking about where you’ve been. The stories of your past experiences will spread even if no witnesses were around to see them.
91. Wherever You Go, There They Are
    Wherever the characters go, the villains can always find them. Chances are they’re asking the guy in the street (see above). But don’t worry — despite being able to find the characters with ease anytime they want to, the bad guys never get rid of them by simply blowing up the tent or hotel they’re spending the night in. (Just think of it: the screen dims, the peaceful going-to-sleep-now music plays, then BOOM! Game Over!)
92. Figurehead Rule
    Whenever someone asks you a question to decide what to do, it’s just to be polite. He or she will ask the question again and again until you answer “correctly.”
93. Puddin’ Tame Rule
    The average passer-by will always say the same thing no matter how many times you talk to them, and they certainly won’t clarify any of the vaguely worded warnings or cryptic half-sentences they threw at you the previous time.
94. Franklin Covey Was Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
    Sticking to the task at hand and going directly from place to place and goal to goal is always a bad idea, and may even prevent you from being able to finish the game. It’s by dawdling around, completing side quests and giving money to derelicts that you come into your real power.
95. Selective Invulnerability Principle
    RPG characters are immune from such mundane hazards as intense heat, freezing cold, or poison gas… except when they’re suddenly not. Surprise!
96. I’m the NRA (Billy Lee Black Rule)
    Opposition to gun control is probably the only thing you could get all RPG characters to agree upon. Even deep religious faith and heartfelt pacifism can’t compete with the allure of guns.
97. Three Females Rule
    There will always be either one or three female characters in the hero’s party, no matter how many male characters there are.
98. Experience Not Required
    When the main character is forced to do some complex or dangerous task for the first time, even though he has never done it before he will still always be better than the oldest veteran.
99. Law of Reverse Evolution (Zeboim Principle)
    Any ancient civilizations are inexplicably much more advanced than the current one.
100. Science-Magic Equivalence (Citan Rule)
     Although mages’ specialty is magic and scientists’ specialty is technology, these skills are completely interchangeable.
101. Law of Productive Gullibility (Ruby Rule)
     Whenever anybody comes up to you with a patently ludicrous claim (such as, “I’m not a cat, I’m really an ancient Red Dragon”) there’s an at least two-thirds chance they’re telling the truth. Therefore, it pays to humor everyone you meet; odds are you’ll be glad you did later on.
102. Perversity Principle
     If you’re unsure about what to do next, ask all the townspeople nearby. They will either all strongly urge you to do something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing, or else they will all strongly warn you against doing something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing.
103. Near-Death Epiphany (Fei Rule)
     If the party is not dealing damage to a boss character, then there’s a better-than-even chance that someone in the party will suddenly become enlightened and instantly acquire the offensive skill that can blow the creature away in a matter of seconds.
104. Wutai Rule
     Most RPGs, no matter what their mythology, include a land based on ancient Japan. Full of pagodas, shrines, shoguns, kitsune, and sushi, this completely anachronistic place is the source of the entire world’s supply of ninja and samurai characters.
105. Law of Mooks
     Soldiers and guards working for the Evil Empire are, as a rule, sloppy, cowardly and incompetent. Members of the heroic Resistance Faction are, as a rule, dreadfully weak and undertrained and will be wiped out to the last man the moment they come in contact with the enemy.
106. Law of Traps
     No matter how obvious the trap, you can’t complete the game unless you fall into it.
107. Arbor Day Rule
     At some point, you’re going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says.
108. You Do Not Talk About Fight Club
     Any fighting tournament or contest of skill you hear about, you will eventually be forced to enter and win.
109. Invisible Bureaucracy Rule
     Other than the royal family, its shifty advisor, and the odd mad scientist, the only government employees you will ever encounter in the course of your adventure are either guards or kitchen staff.
110. The Miracle of Automation
     Similarily, any factory, power plant, or other facility that you visit during the course of the game will be devoid of any human life except for the occasional guards. There will not be a single line worker or maintenance person in sight.
111. Principle of Archaeological Convenience
     Every ancient machine you find will work perfectly the first time you try to use it and every time thereafter. Even if its city got blasted into ruins and the machine was then sunk to the bottom of the sea and buried in mud for ten thousand years, it’ll still work fine. The unfortunate corollary to this rule is that ancient guardian creatures will also turn out to be working perfectly when you try to filch their stuff.
112. They Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To (Cid Rule)
     Modern-day machinery, by contrast, will always break down at the worst possible moment (for example, when you only need one more shot from the giant cannon to defeat the final boss.)
113. Place Transvestite Joke Here (Miss Cloud Rule)
     If the male lead is required to dress up like a girl for any reason, he will be regarded by everyone as much more attractive than any “real” girl. If the female lead cross-dresses as a man, she will be immediately recognized as who she is by everyone except the male lead and the main villain.
114. Make Room! Make Room!
     There are always more people in a town or village than there are houses for them to live in. Most of the village is made up of shops, temples, bars, secret passages, inns, and the mansion that belongs to the richest man in town.
115. Law of Scientific Gratification
     If the hero needs a new invention to progress, he will find out that somewhere in the world someone has spent his or her entire life perfecting this invention, and usually just needs one more key item located in a monster-infested dungeon before it is completed.
116. You Always Travel In The Right Circles
     Whenever you meet a villager or other such incidental character who promises to give you some great piece of needed knowledge or a required object in exchange for a seemingly simple item, such as a bar of soap or a nice straw mat, be prepared to spend at least an hour chasing around the world exchanging useless innocuous item after item with bizarre strangers until you can get that elusive first item you were asked for.
117. Talk Is Cheap Rule
     Nothing is ever solved by diplomacy or politics in the world of RPGs. Any declarations of peace, summits and treaty negotiations are traps to fool the ever so gullible Good Guys into thinking the war is over, or to brainwash the remaining leaders of the world.
118. Stop Your Life (Setzer Rule)
     No matter what kind of exciting, dynamic life a character was leading before joining your party, once there they will be perfectly content to sit and wait on the airship until you choose to use them.
119. Don’t Stand Out
     Any townsperson who is dressed oddly or otherwise doesn’t fit in with the rest of the townsfolk will either:
     1. Join your party after you complete some task,
     2. Be in the employ of your enemy, or
     3. Befriend any female member of the party, and then be immediately captured and held hostage by the villains.
120. Little Nemo Law
     If any sleeping character has a dream, that dream will be either a 100% accurate memory of the past, a 100% accurate psychic sending from the present, a 100% accurate prophetic vision of the future, or a combination of two or all three of these.
121. Child Protection Act (Rydia Rule)
     Children 12 and under are exempt from death. They will emerge alive from cataclysms that slaughter hundreds of sturdily-built adults, often with barely a scratch. Further protection is afforded if the catastrophe will orphan the child.
122. Missing Master Hypothesis
     Almost every strong physical fighter learned everything he/she knows from some old master or friend. Invariably, the master or friend has since turned evil, been killed, or disappeared without a trace.
123. Missing Master Corollary (Sabin Rule)
     If a fighter’s master merely disappeared, you will undoubtedly find him/her at some point in your travels. The master will challenge the student to a duel, after which the student will be taught one final skill that the master had been holding back for years.
124. Gojira Axiom
     Giant monsters capable of leveling cities all have the following traits:
     • Low intelligence
     • Enormous strength
     • Projectile attacks
     • Gigantic teeth and claws, designed, presumably, to eat other giant monsters
     • Vulnerable to weapons 1/10,000th its size
     • Ecologically sensitive
125. “You Couldn’t Get To Sleep Either, Huh?”
     If any character in the game ever meets any other character standing alone at night looking at the moon, those two will eventually fall in love.
126. Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely (Althena Rule)
     If a good guy is manipulated to the side of evil, they will suddenly find a new inner strength that will enable them to wipe out your whole party with a wave of their hand.
127. All Is Forgiven (Nash Rule)
     However, when the trusted member of your party turns against you, do not give it a second thought. They will return to your side after they’re done with their amnesia/mind control/hidden noble goal that caused them to give away all your omnipotent mystical artifacts.
128. First Law of Fashion
     All characters wear a single costume which does not change over the course of the game. The only exception is when characters dress up in enemy uniforms to infiltrate their base.
129. Second Law of Fashion
     Any character’s costume, no matter how skimpy, complicated, or simply outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. It will continue to be completely suitable right afterwards when said character goes to meet the King.
130. Third Law of Fashion
     In any futuristic setting, the standard uniform for female soldiers and special agents will include a miniskirt and thigh-high stockings. The standard uniform for all male characters, military or not, will include an extraordinarily silly and enormous hat.
131. First Rule of Politics (Chancellor’s Axiom)
     Any advisor of a major ruler has been scheming after his throne for quite a while. Thanks to the miracle of timing, you will arrive at the king’s inner sanctum just in time for the coup.
132. Second Rule of Politics (Scapegoat’s Axiom)
     If the advisor works for an evil ruler, the advisor is as bad or even worse, and there’s a good chance he’s the final villain. (See Fake Ending Rule.) If the advisor works for a good ruler, he usually has the good of the kingdom at heart; not that that helps, because your party will invariably be made the scapegoat for all that’s wrong with the nation and immediately thrown in the dungeon.
133. Last Rule of Politics
     Kingdoms are good. Empires are evil.
134. Inheritance of Acquired Characteristics (Ramus Rule)
     Twenty-three generations may pass, but any person’s direct descendant will still look and act just like him.
135. Pinch Hitter Rule
     Whenever a member of the hero’s team is killed or retires, no matter how unique or special he or she was there is a good chance someone will show up to replace them that has exactly the same abilities and can use the same weapons with the same proficiency.
136. Dealing With Beautiful Women, Part 1 (Yuffie Rule)
     All good-looking young females are there to help you. This rule holds even when the girl in question is annoying, useless, or clearly evil.
137. Dealing With Beautiful Women, Part 2 (Rouge Rule)
     All good-looking middle-aged females are out to kill you. This rule holds even when the woman in question has attained your unwavering trust and respect.
138. Well, So Much For That
     After you have completed your mighty quest to find the object that will save the known universe, it will either a) get lost, b) get stolen, or c) not work.
139. The Ominous Ring of Land
     The classic Ominous Ring of Land is a popular terrain feature that frequently doesn’t show up on your world map. Just when you think things are going really well and you’ve got the Forces of Evil on the run, monsters, demons and mad gods will pour out of the center of the ring and the situation will get ten times worse. The main villain also usually hangs out in one of these after attaining godhood. If there are several Ominous Rings of Land or the entire world map is one big ring, you are just screwed.
140. Law of NPC Relativity (Magus Rule)
     Characters can accomplish superhuman physical feats, defeat enemies
     with one hand tied behind their back and use incredible abilities — until they join your party and you can control them. Then these wonderful powers all vanish, along with most of their hit points.
141. Guards! Guards! (or, Lindblum Full Employment Act)
     Everything will be guarded and gated (elevators, docks, old rickety bridges, random stretches of roadway deep in the forest) except for the stuff that actually needs to be.
142. Thank You For Pressing The Self-Destruct Button
     All enemy installations and city-sized military vehicles will be equipped with a conveniently located, easy-to-operate self-destruct mechanism.
143. Falling Rule
     An RPG character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds — anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the game with barely a scratch.
144. Materials Science 101
     Gold, silver, and other precious metals make excellent weapons and armor even though in the real world they are too soft and heavy to use for that purpose. In fact, they work so well that nobody ever melts their solid gold suit of armor down into bullion, sells it, and retires to a tropical isle on the proceeds.
145. Materials Science 201
     Everyone you meet will talk enthusiastically about how some fantastically rare metal (iron, say) would make the best possible armor and weapons. Oh, if only you could get your hands on some! However, once you actually obtain iron — at great personal risk, of course — everyone will dismiss it as yesterday’s news and instead start talking about some even more fantastically rare metal, such as gold. Repeat until you get to the metal after “mythril” (see The Ultimate Rule.)
146. Seventh Inning Stretch (Elc Rule)
     At some point in the game the main hero will receive a deadly story-driven injury and will be put in a hospital instead of having a mage heal him. This will leave him out of commission for at least the length of two sidequests; the female lead will also be temporarily out of commission as she steadfastly refuses to leave the hero’s side. Ultimately a simple vision quest is all that will be required to bring the hero back to normal.
147. Vivi’s Spellbook Principle
     Over the course of the game, you will spend countless hours learning between twenty and one hundred skills and/or spells, approximately three of which will still be useful by the end of the game.
148. Gender Equality, Part 1 (Feena Rule)
     Your average female RPG character carries a variety of deadly weapons and can effortlessly hack or magic her way through armies of monsters, killer cyborgs, and mutated boss creatures without breaking a sweat. She may be an accomplished ninja, a superpowered secret agent, or the world’s greatest adventurer. However, if one of the game’s villains manages to sneak up and grab her by the Standard Female Character Grab Area (her upper arm) she will be rendered utterly helpless until rescued by the hero.
149. Gender Equality, Part 2 (Tifa Rule)
     If any female character, in a burst of anger or enthusiasm, decides to go off and accomplish something on her own without the hero, she will fail miserably and again have to be rescued.
150. Gender Equality, Part 3 (Luna Rule)
     All of the effort you put into maxing out the female lead’s statistics and special abilities will turn out to be for naught when she spends the final confrontation with the villain dead, ensorcelled, or held hostage.
151. Gender Equality Addendum (Rynn Rule)
     In the unlikely event that the main character of the game is female, she will not be involved in any romantic subplot whatsoever beyond getting hit on by shopkeepers.
152. Stealing The Spotlight (Edea Rule)
     The characters who join your party only briefly tend to be much cooler than your regular party members.
153. “Mommy, why didn’t they just use a Phoenix Down on Aeris?”
     Don’t expect battle mechanics to carry over into the “real world.”
154. Gold Saucer Rule
     The strongest weapons/items/spells in the entire game can only be found by doing things like racing birds.
155. Evil May Live Forever, But It Doesn’t Age Well
     Even though it took the greatest armies in the world and all of the world’s greatest magicians to seal away an ancient evil in an apocalyptic war, once said ancient evil breaks free three fairly inexperienced warriors can destroy it.
156. Sephiroth Memorial Escape Clause
     Any misdeed up to and including multiple genocide is forgiveable if you’re cool enough.
157. Doomed Utopia Theorem (Law of Zeal)
     All seemingly ideal, utopian societies are powered by some dark force and are therefore doomed to swift, flashy destruction.
158. Party Guidance Rule
     Somewhere in the last third of the story, the hero will make a stupid decision and the rest of the party must remind him of